Zesty

Egads....my eyes!!!

2011-12-01T23:31:00.008-05:00

In an effort to remedy or to at least compensate for my aging body and rather dodgy health habits, I've been undertaking a rather rigorous overhaul of my creaky body. After numerous doctors visits this year, I realized that I am the sole caretaker of this body of mine, and if I want to keep it in good health for decades to come, then I need to work at it. So, I took up running recently. Yes, crazy I know. It hit me mid-year when I was in Greece that my creaky knees actually functioned when used. Disuse (ostensibly due to my search for the perfect martial arts dojo) rendered them achey and sore and decrepit at every turn. USE on the other hand, actually rendered them achey and sore, but at least functional. I signed up for "The Jenny Challenge" and embarked on a mission to run 100 miles between Thanksgiving and Xmas. And surprisingly, I was running 6 to 7 miles per day! Years of lowered lung capacity as a child from lack of good inhalers left me believing that I was an unfit misfit and would never be "one of those people" (i.e., sporty). But lo and behold, when given the impetus (and the right asthma drugs), I can actually *be* one of those sporty people and it feels damned good. I even have the most awesome running shoes to prove to the world that I am serious about this athletic shit. I mean, LOOK at them! They're seriously legit. I'm ferreal REAL.

Alas, when I awoke this morning and headed to the eye doc for a regular check, I was, yet again, sprung with the news that I had ANOTHER freakin' tear in my retina that needed to be lasered down immediately in order to prevent detachment. As my eyes welled up from the news, my good doctor immediately escorted me over to the laser machine and (upon request for food due to feeling faint) brought me some fortifying Lindt dark chocolate that one of his staff had brought in that day, and proceeded to laser that fucker down AGAIN!!! Egads. My eyes!! All I wanted to scream was "I'm so damned sick of my eyes" but of course, I'm so happy to have eyes, and a doctor, and pleased I can still see better than 20/20. Unfortunately, this eye shit means I can't run for a while. But worse, I have fears of going blind.....that this thinning will progress and get worse....I'm only human you know.

I consoled my beaten spirit with a chinese meal down in Chinatown. The comfort food of my childhood never ceases to pull me out of feeling sorry for myself. I sat there at the restaurant and forced myself to count my lucky stars. I got lucky today. Really.

On health and being the help

2011-10-30T17:04:00.003-04:00

2011 has been the year of health and a little madness. For some reason, I've been stricken with a range of health problems this year, and in the midst of it all, have had to deal with unbelievable work stress, and have also somehow ended up in rather familiar fucked up situations (but that inevitably make for great stories later in life). As my friend Grace said, "no (Zesty) story is ever completely normal."

Let's begin with my health. After a routine check, a problematic situation was discovered by my doctors that required biopsies and potential surgery. If the fear of the unknown was not scary enough, what made what was a big deal a friggin enormous one was having to deal with a hospital system that billed me for services I should have been covered for (to the tune of close to a thousand buckeroonies), condescending physicians who wrote erroneous reports (don't put Zesty in the corner!!!) , and then sending the wrong reports to my surgeon at another hospital. It got to the point where going to this major hospital, which happens to be my place of work, became a place of great anxiety and agitation. Every time I walked through the hospital doors I became close to tears!!! But, in the spirit of David Banner (alter ego of the Incredible Hulk), I've recently begun to say to people, "Don't make me angry,... you won't like me when I'm angry" because when I see a broken system, I'm determined to make sure it gets fixed. I just kept thinking of patients for whom English is a 2nd language or with limited education. How screwy would that be for them? And if typing "left" vs. "right" is considered a "typo" then I'm the freakin' Queen of England. After extensive email communications, I managed to have a meeting with the Chief of Radiology at this major hospital and she has already made efforts to resolve all of these problems, but no way will I ever go back there for treatment!!

But here is where the absolute comedy of my life kicked in. In the midst of all this, I attended the wedding of a dear friend of mine. Without a doubt, it was one of the most moving, enjoyable and beautiful weddings I have been to in a long while. It helps that I think the bride and groom are wonderful together. Unfortunately, I made a rather poor choice of travelling companion. She is a friend of the bride's and I had met her a few times before. Since both of us were travelling solo, it made sense for us to travel together and split the costs of a rental car and accommodation. Unfortunately, my clinical skills are no longer a force to be reckoned with as I later realized I had made a rather enormous mistake. My travelling companion became a vomiting drunken mess after the wedding. (Think holding plastic bags around her face so she wouldn't vomit on the bridesmaid's bed, then watching her move from room to room vomiting in the rubbish bin, and then the toilet.) It probably didn't help that she consumed Willy Wonka quantities of chocolate right after getting back to the bridesmaid's hotel room that we were camping out in during the day as we had no room for that evening, and leaving the candy wrappers scattered all over the table and floor. To say it was disgusting is pretty much an understatement as I endeavored to dispose of a rubbish bin of vomit when the old people's square dancing convention was in town. My attempts to change out the rubbish bin from hell with a clean one was impossible as I discovered to my horror that these elderly square dancers were pretty much MORE disgusting than the young wedding revellers. All I found were other rubbish bins MORE disgusting than the one I was attempting to dispose of, so that I eventually had to just get rid of the bag of vomit and clean out the bin itself because it was covered in chocolatey/alcoholy vomitron particles, wipe the toilet and carpet clean of vomit particles, and rinse out contaminated towels so that the resident of the room would not be totally grossed out. Then, on the road, I had to drive with the drunk woman (all angry and vomity and banging the window because she couldn't get it open) as she used my favorite coat as a blanket after drooling vomit down her front, on a high speed highway in the middle of the night. And remember, I'm driving on the right instead of the left for pretty much the first time ever. My friend (the bride) was oblivious to the shenanigans. I should have known that something was awry when the travelling companion got in the driver's seat at the beginning of the trip super irritated and "about to lose (her) shit" as she dealt with "slow drivers", then almost rear ended someone at high speed on the highway. In the meantime, I'm thinking, "wtf, I'm going to die today!" but pretended to be all calm in order to not agitate the woman more. And when I said to the bride later in the trip that I wasn't sure who'd be driving back to the airport after the wedding, she said "(so and so) likes to drink". To call my travelling companion a "drinker" was a bit of an understatement I have to say. Gahhhh!!!*

This story, on its own, would have been enough had it not been that I had to immediately fly to Chicago to present a 3.5 hour workshop at a conference that very day on no sleep. I burst into tears at the hotel because they could not check me in early, and I swear I smelt of vomit. I needed a shower so desperately and a nap before my presentation. Luckily, all went ok (not great, but ok nonethless), and I escaped relatively unscathed.

Sigh

Yet something seems so awfully familiar about this story. This is not the first time I've ended up having to rescue someone from a ridiculously bad situation. Sometimes I wonder what I do to elicit such madness!! Is it that people feel comfortable showing me the darkest of dark sides of themselves knowing that I won't judge or falter or be shocked?...and, knowing that I will do the right thing and fix the situation? Should I stop being the perpetual helper?

And as for my health...could it be that I'm actually amazingly lucky to have had these issues discovered? I have health insurance. I live in a Western country. Despite the mistakes in their reports, I do have access to some of the best doctors in the world.

I like to think that throughout all the aforementioned trials and tribulations, nothing bad actually happened. Life ain't all that bad, and I have funny stories to boot. And most importantly, I made it through and came out the other side a little bruised, but relatively ok.

*Dear Bride, if you happen to read this entry, please do not feel bad. It is no one's fault! It is a hilarious story, and I have gained so much confidence in my American driving skills! I know I can pretty much conquer any situation after what I went through. What's more, the wedding was utterly brilliant and wonderful and magical.

Not so zen today...

2011-04-18T15:51:00.002-04:00

2011 = 2 grants, 2 earthquakes, 2 eye surgeries for torn retinas, then today I wake up with yet another eye problem. Gahhhhh!!!!

Methinks it is time to resume meditation with a vengeance. Yes...vengeance.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 40

2011-02-23T23:56:00.002-05:00

Yippeee!!!! I've reached the end of the winter feast. It's been a long, hard road, but I've made it! Unlike last year, I focused on basic formless meditation rather than listening to guided recordings, and found it to be a much smoother process than last year. I've noticed themes in my meditations and also increasing comfort with the discomfort of the process if that makes sense. It's going to be a challenge keeping up my practice. After last year's winter feast, I pretty much stopped meditating for almost a year. So if I can improve upon that, then I'll be happy! Anyhoo, cheers for joining me for the ride, even if it's just been vicariously :)

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 39

2011-02-23T00:58:00.002-05:00

I'm just glad I only have 1 more day of the feast to go, which means only 1 more day of blogging about it to go :D

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 38

2011-02-22T00:34:00.004-05:00

Been a bit of an up and down day. I was flitting around baking all day and trying to deal with the frag state of my eye and general head state, then discovered Christchurch had another devastating earthquake, and I spent the evening fretting about loved ones who I had not heard from down there.

By the time I came to meditate, I still had not heard from one of my best friends. After having consumed a rather highly caffeinated, albeit delish, cup of chai, my head was really not in a good state of calmness. Combine that with a rather loud, verbal street fight happening outside, with baseball bats being thrown around, I was in desperate need of a bit of chillaxing. It's times like these that meditation is actually quite amazing. It was definitely therapeutic today, even though it took probably the full 40 minutes before I'd calmed down. By the time I turned my phone back on, I'd heard from the sister of the aforementioned friend in Christchurch, and she and her whanau are A-ok. *Phew*

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 37

2011-02-21T01:01:00.003-05:00

On the home straight now! Only 3 more meditation sessions to go for the Winter Feast :) Today was reasonably smooth. I've been very focused on my body lately, particularly my left eye and a rather fucked up tooth that has been causing me grief lately. I guess I've been noticing how age is making my body fall apart and it pretty much sucks. No amount of meditation will take away the nerve pain of one of my teeth (of which I'm avoiding a root canal like the plague), but I am pleased that my eye seems to be healing. Even though the retina does not feel pain or other sensation that we know of, I do notice a general improvement in how I feel in that area of my head, so I'm guessing some healing is going on. I'm rather looking forward to the end of the Winter Feast but am wondering how my daily practice is going to manifest once it's over. Hmmm.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 36

2011-02-20T01:56:00.003-05:00

Image: From ryandow.com

Legend has it that monkeys once mimicked a group of people who were trying to meditate and became enlightened before them. Well, if that's what "monkey brain" is all about, then I'm sure that I will attain enlightenment pretty soon. My thoughts jumped around like wildfire today, more so than usual. I think my bung eye and snotty nose were partly responsible for my struggle with focusing today. But, I noticed that probably around the half hour mark, my head simply became exhausted by it all (both physically and mentally) and peace arrived! It reminds me of the practice of "worry time" in cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is when the therapist prescribes a specified time for the anxious client to worry every day. I used to tell my clients struggling with anxiety to worry for a solid half an hour per day, and what they quickly found was that they could never keep it up for longer than a few minutes. It got plain boring. So I guess that's my lesson learned for the day - that even without much effort towards focusing on the breath, just the practice of sitting will lead me to a calm mind eventually.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 35

2011-02-18T23:57:00.001-05:00

Minimal post today as I'm feeling a bit visually challenged. Moreover, all I seem to be meditating about is my bloody eyeball. What's more, I hab a cold. Blurgh!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 34

2011-02-18T00:12:00.004-05:00

After a rather stressful day of going back to the eye doc after concerns about, what I thought was a new blind patch in my field of vision, and having that cleared as A-ok and nothing to worry about, the rest of the day was comparatively more relaxing. I did laundry, watched telly and just chilled as much as I could. I guess one never realizes just how important sight is until one has almost lost it! I think I'm still reeling from the shock of how close I came to having a detached retina and so I'm still feeling a little bit sorry for myself. If I were a dog, my tail would be hanging straight down right now. But, I'm also aware of how bloody lucky I am. Meditation was a bit of a mess to say the least. I really just spent the time trying to be at peace and letting my body do what it wanted to to do. I lay in restorative yoga poses, I sat up again, I checked the clock...I basically gave myself permission to just meditate however I wanted. And I have to say, it was quite a relief. I enjoyed the comparative peace I obtained from it, unlike the rest of my day. I'm taking another day off tomorrow. I feel I need the time to not be looking at computer screens and reading small text. Even now, as I type, I'm typing with eyes closed...a "talent", I guess, that came easy to me due to my having learned to play classical piano as a child and never needing to look at my hands. I'm actually going to see if I can give my eyes a rest this whole weekend. I'm trying to knit without looking and maybe I can take some time out to just sit outside and close my eyes a little bit, especially as temperatures have been rather lovely over the last couple of days. Only 6 more days of the feast to go!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 33

2011-02-16T23:20:00.002-05:00

Today was a teensy bit traumatic as I had a laser pointed into my eye in order to burn the area of my retina that was torn and thus leaking gelatinous vitreous matter behind the retina, thus, leaving me prone to blindness if it had fully torn away. Gross eh. Well, the whole experience left me feeling like I wanted to vom in my mouth a little bit and I am kind of flapping around like a bird with its wings clipped wanting to do something, but not being able to cuz my head bloody hurts and my eye feels weird and I'm all bung basically. I still "meditated" for 40 mins though, even though much of that time was spent with eyes open checking out my new blind spot area on the lower left part of my left eye :( Feeling a bit sorry for meself, but I'm ok. At least I can SEE! And boy do I appreciate that sense...more than ever! As a friend pointed out amusingly, "why the hell are you watching the View when you've got sight?" and I had no adequate response. Blurgh.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 32

2011-02-15T23:16:00.003-05:00

After mistyping the days on these blog posts, I now realize that I'm 2 days closer to the end of the Winter Feast than I realized! Yipdeedoo! Unfortunately, I can already feeling myself tiring of the project and wondering how I'm going to keep up the practice. I'm finding it such hard work. Although I am also aware that today is probably not a good day to judge. I went to Shambhala, and the meditation was actually pretty easy for me. Even though I'm preoccupied with my eye situation, I was able to get through the session without much of a fight. I guess I always hope for more enjoyment from meditation. Like exercise, I do attain a certain level of peace and definitely sanity from the activity, but like exercise, getting me TO the damned gym or studio is the essential problem. Beckon me with the promise of chocolates and I will follow. But to get me there on my own based on the intrinsic joy of meditation is tough tough tough. Once I'm ON the cushion though, I'm alright. So maybe having my nook permanently set up in my room will help me once the Winter Feast is over. God, I sound like I'm a bloody drug addict ready to leave rehab.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 31

2011-02-15T00:16:00.003-05:00

After an eye doctor appointment today, I've suddenly realized how ridiculously mundane all of my worries have been up until now. I've discovered a sudden change in my eye situation that leaves me at risk for some serious problems :/ I'm anxiously awaiting a doctor's appointment on Friday and in the meantime, meditation has become a bit of a joke. When vision is such a fundamental and important sense for me, and one that cannot be avoided even when the eyes are closed, it was almost impossible for me to focus on the breath today :( I'm counting down the days until Friday but will try to take things easy this week and continue to focus on the moment as much as possible. I do notice that I'm not as stressed as I might have been, say, 10 years ago. I guess that's an improvement in how I handle stress, but it's still a pain to deal with :(

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 30

2011-02-14T00:14:00.007-05:00

Very often when I meditate, I get dragged into thoughts about whatever daily life crap is going on for me more as a way to escape the sheer boredom that meditation is than anything else. But, then I have days when some of the most powerful thoughts enter my brain and make me smile from deep within or that bring me to tears. Today was one of those days...

Arcade Fire...Greece...Turkey...sunshine...new friends...smiles...thinking...breathing...research...food...glorious food!...fullness...thinking...breathing...coldness...purple ribbon...chocolate...thinking...breathing...a girlfriend...friends' boyfriends...Ken...death...sadness...grief...loneliness...family distance...Boston...cemetery...break up...devastation...thinking...breathing...

I'm not sure what brought on the intensity today. It may have been the fact that I went to lunch with an old friend and discussed "old" things....or it could have been the fact that I'd had some pretty vivid poignant dreams last night that I couldn't shake all day. Who knows?

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 29

2011-02-12T23:43:00.005-05:00

"The Great Escape" - a classic American war movie about POWs planning and executing an escape from a POW camp.

Alt. meaning "The Great Escape" - the wish to break free from the chains of meditation.

I still scoff when people say that meditation must be "relaxing" and "peaceful." Certainly, like exercise, I do feel more relaxed and peaceful *after* the fact, but never during. In fact, it's just plain uncomfortable. Today is a prime example. The whole time I sat there in my nook, I just noticed the feeling of discomfort sitting heavily in my stomach. The feeling is akin to butterflies, but without the anxiety. It's more like a feeling of anxiety sitting below the surface, ready to bust out at any moment.

I chatted for quite a long while on Friday with a good friend of mine, J, about meditation and why I do it. I remarked that for me, I'm learning that it is really about sitting with discomfort. To become "friends" with it is more of a hokey Buddhist way of talking about it, but for me, I'm merely learning to tolerate it and to tolerate the wish to avoid all of those feelings that I clearly want to escape or, alternatively, am addicted to.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 28

2011-02-12T01:53:00.003-05:00

After a few days of meditating mostly at work, and a rather full-on day of news (hello Egypt revolution!) it was nice to get back to the ol' nook for a surprisingly peaceful session. I'm dog tired though. I've been out almost every day this week and look forward to some more chillaxing at home this weekend. It's still friggin' cold out, and I want to be cosy and warm right now. Harumph!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 27

2011-02-11T00:26:00.003-05:00

I've discovered the perfect way to make the meditation go faster. Fall asleep :) Yessiree....I entered a state of deeper consciousness (or should I say unconsciousness) by just dropping off, and before I knew it, the alarm was ringing and the 40 minutes was over. Some would say that sleep doth not equal meditation, but uh, I like to think that the dream state is just as productive as a good ol' meditation sesh. Yup.

Went for more Turkish food right after at a restaurant called Turkuaz. Pretty friggin awesome food if you ask me. Shrimp casserole of some sort to be specific and lots of loud natter by five 30-something old ladies :)

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 26

2011-02-10T10:41:00.007-05:00

Oops. Forgot to write about yesterday's meditation sesh! I actually had to split it into 2 parts because I had a 50th surprise birthday party to go to. And let me just say, it was quite possibly the best birthday party I've ever been to. Organized by a friend of mine for her business partner, we were treated to a full Italian dinner with multiple different kinds of pizzas (1 of which I swear had truffle oil on it making it heaven for the pie hole!), a goody bag full of paraphernalia related to my friend's life consisting of a DVD of the Deer Hunter (he was an extra in the movie), a CD full of his fav tunes, funny toy glasses, colored pencils, chocolate, etc etc. And, later in the night, a video was played that pulled together videos created by some of the guests (including moi!) into a hilarious roast-like montage. Then, a Key Lime pie was thrown in his face and he was surprised with a trip to Key West. I love surprises, especially when it involves lots of friends, lots of love, and general good cheer. Such a rare thing in this world.

So yep, I split the meditation into 2 sessions, 1 at work and 1 at home. I'm getting into this shit, I am. I can meditate anywhere! I'm becoming a meditation fiend!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 25

2011-02-09T00:16:00.007-05:00

Shambhala meditation evening today. It was rather pleasant, but I can't for the life of me remember anything that was said. Interesting. However, I did bump into an old friend's friend - someone I hadn't seen in possibly 8 years or so. So, quite a surprise and reminds me that I have quite long roots here in NYC.

In all, the day was pretty fabulous. I went and had lunch at a charming Turkish restaurant called Peri Ela at lunch time with a lovely new friend. We drank Turkish coffee and read each other's coffee grounds. Certainly a nice break from writing up an abstract related to neurobehavioral functioning in stem cell transplant patients. Indeed.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 24

2011-02-07T22:53:00.003-05:00

Another shite meditation session. I meditated in a cubicle at work and realized an important thing. Lack of sleep doth not helpeth the meditation. So, after work I went for a massage, came home and prepared a quick dinner, watched a bit of Rocky on the telly, and now I'm heading to bed for an early night. Night night!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 23

2011-02-06T21:11:00.003-05:00

Spring is in the air!!! And I think because I'd had such a lovely spring-like day in Brooklyn Heights (brunch with a friend, and a movie "The Fighter"), all was good in the world. Smooth sailing today with the meditation. I didn't even want to check the time. I'm still contemplating that trip to Turkey. I haven't discounted all possibility of that happening just yet. Maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit chipper :)

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 22

2011-02-05T16:50:00.003-05:00

Torturous meditation session. The thoughts weren't particularly challenging to deal with, but the problem is that I've been knitting like a mofo this last week. I should really be calling this the Winter Feast for the Hands as they have become almost arthritic in terms of the pain that I've been inflicting upon them, as well as the lack of sleep due to knitting addiction. I was up until about 3am last night knitting, then woke up bright and early at around 8.30am and then knit straight through till 4pm. I have barely eaten and I'm still wearing my PJs complete with Peruvian accessories due to the cold (i.e., hat and scarf). I am a weirdo. Need.Nap.Now.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 21

2011-02-04T23:59:00.003-05:00

Dad died 11 years ago today. As always, I celebrated his birthday on February 2nd by eating won ton soup, his favorite.

I'm beginning to associated the Winter Feast with his birthday and the day he died :( But it's ok, because I'm perhaps in the right frame of mind to contemplate what he meant to me when I'm meditating more. Today's meditation session was a bit tough. I kept overestimating how much time had passed so that probably for the last 10 minutes I was thinking "it must be 40 minutes by now" over and over and over again. Not really the most effective kind of meditation and probably represents my wish to escape and get back to the ol' knitting or reading or TV watching or whatever the flavor of the minute is. I have a rather lazy weekend planned of more knitting, going out for dinner with new friends, and then more knitting. I really am becoming an old lady!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 20

2011-02-03T14:43:00.000-05:00

Another work meditation day. I managed to coerce 2 coworkers to join me this time in a dark classroom. I noticed that it actually went pretty easily, and I think it's because usually I want to escape meditation at home so that I can go knit, make music, watch TV....anything BUT meditate. But here at work, well, I didn't really want to escape meditation to go back to work now did I? Interesting....

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 19

2011-02-02T17:53:00.002-05:00

Gong hee faat choy everyone!! Yes, it's that time again, it's Chinese New Year, and today is also my Dad's birthday. I always find this time of year a little tough because of course he died a few days after his birthday (Feb 4th in US time). But, I always try to celebrate his life on his birthday by going to Chinatown and eating his favorite meal, i.e., won ton soup. Tonight is no exception. So, in order to prepare for the evening, I decided to meditate at work instead of at home. It was much like meditating at an airport. I don't really want my workmates to know what I'm doing, so I found a quiet cubicle, but felt like I was going to be "found out" at any moment, so I could feel the adrenalin kick in any time someone walked by. Why did I feel that way? Am I ashamed? Well, not particularly. One of my coworker's wives actually teaches at the Shambhala center and is Buddhist himself, but meditating, especially in that sort of fixed gaze sitting position (albeit on a chair) is well, frankly weird looking in normal situations, and being seen would feel akin to that of someone opening the door as I'm taking a shit.

It has been a rough day in the world though, and those thoughts dominated my session. I'd been listening to Al Jazeera all day which probably did not help. I'm also assiduously working on analyzing some data for an abstract that I hope to submit to a conference in Athens, Greece in June. But, I have to say the meditation session felt much like a 'bath for the mind' as it helped to clean off the filth of the day and I do feel mildly refreshed and more ready to enjoy my won ton soup tonight!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 18

2011-02-01T23:51:00.001-05:00

Some days, meditation feels like a chore. Today was one of those days.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 17

2011-01-31T23:39:00.002-05:00

When Egypt is falling apart, it is rather shocking to me that my meditation was so focused upon silly things like the small fortune more that I spent on wool today (I bought more balls of wool for my project due to 'wool shortage anxiety' that kept me awake last night), and work projects that will probably contribute nought to the world of cancer research :/ It is rather embarrassing, but I guess it's good to admit that I'm so self-involved. I do care about the world though. I spent most of the evening (whilst knitting) watching footage of what is going on there. It is scary and I hope that the people will soon have a real voice in society there sooner rather than later.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 16

2011-01-30T23:52:00.004-05:00

I blew about $120 USD today on wool and knitting needles for this:

I just had this unusual hankering to knit. I haven't knitted in a few years, and I've actually never really knitted a sweater for myself before, so I feel a bit lost. What's more, the American needle numbers and wool types/plys/weights are all different to the UK pattern I am using (from the 1950s!) so the whole endeavor is a bit overwhelming.

As soon as I got home, I began to assiduously knit to the point where my fingers ached and I began to wonder whether I had enough wool (I've already stormed my way through 1 of only 9 balls :/ ) How much is this darned sweater going to cost me? But, one interesting thing I noticed is the meditative qualities of knitting. More than perhaps any other activity I've ever done, knitting fully engages my attention. I might be watching (or rather listening) to the ol' telly, but I have to remain focused at least visually and tactilely on what I'm doing at all times, otherwise one dropped stitch has the potential to fuck the whole project up.

By the time I got to actually sit on my cushions and engage in my formal meditation practice, I felt like I was merely tying up loose ends for the day. The usual recurring thoughts cropped up, but nothing untoward, and nothing I couldn't manage. What's more, the 40 minutes was not so painful today. Yay!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 15

2011-01-30T01:20:00.003-05:00

I went to see the Oscar-nominated film "The King's Speech" today and, amongst other things, noticed how powerful deep breathing was for King George VI's stammer (as played by the lovely Mr. Darc...I mean Colin Firth). As I sat down in meditation today, a swirl of thoughts flew around my monkey brain, including songs from Kanye West's latest album "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy," specific people in my life (and not in my life), work, and scenes from The King's Speech. But, as I mentioned, it is quite amazing how the process of meditation - the breath, the acceptance of thoughts, the inherent peacefulness of the gaps between thoughts, the upright position of my body, heck even the meditation space itself - can be so therapeutic in calming me the fuck down. I see now the benefits of the full 40 long minutes of meditation. Even though I spend much of the time mentally counting down the minutes, it really *does* take probably a good 20 minutes to get into a zone and to begin to settle, and another 20 to maintain that stability. I managed, today, to *not* check the clock. I sustained my focus for more of the time. I even enjoyed parts of the session. It is still bloody hard work, but I do feel an inch-by-inch progress happening and it feels good :)

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 14

2011-01-29T01:26:00.004-05:00

Tonight's meditation session was a bit painful. Not so much painful thoughts as just impatience and antsy-ness and a strong impulse to check the time (I only checked it once!) I just wanted it to end for some reason. It probably didn't help that I'm meditating way past my bedtime so that my eyes kept drifting closed (I meditate with eyes open, fuzzy gaze). But....I made it. 2 weeks in, almost 4 weeks to go.

Can I do it?

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 13

2011-01-27T22:55:00.005-05:00

Fun snow day = peaceful meditation day :)

The only real source of agitation was regarding the chocolate pudding that I left in the fridge at work, and my concerns about forgetting to eat it. It took all of my foodie willpower to stop myself from interrupting the meditation session so that I could enter a reminder into my phone to eat it.

Well, I did actually have a real concern that began to float around in my head as well. I'm wondering whether to get board certified as a rehab psychologist, but it would mean trying to get references from people I haven't worked for/with in about 7 or 8 years, and then trying to pull together original case materials from patients I saw 5 or 6 years ago. Hmm....

Other than that, I enjoyed the peaceful gaps between my thoughts today and only checked the clock at exactly 39 minutes into the meditation.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 12

2011-01-26T23:02:00.002-05:00

Photo from www.newzealandnz.co.nz

It occurs to me that a reason why I think meditation is so good for me is that I'm naturally quite a highly strung creature. I often have the old butterflies in the belly. Toss in a dose of melancholy and you've got me pretty much. I once said to someone that if I were to rate my general mood out of 10 where 10 is elation and 1 is depressive from hell, that my default would probably be about a 4 or 4.5. I actually don't think that's too bad. It allows for a few ups and downs, and I would say that with the passing of time, I've mellowed a lot. My jitters aren't so unmanageable, and the melancholy never swings too low. The highs can still sit quite high but they generally don't last too long. I don't live in fairytales as much as I used to. As I said in meditation today, I noticed that my thoughts are so much more manageable than they used to be, but those butterflies sure still love to sit there once in a while, and today was no exception. I'm not sure what they're about. Maybe it's just brain chemistry. Oh, I should say that butterflies freak me the fuck out. I find them so creepy. But I'm thankful that I have this tool of meditation to help quell those caterpillars with wings.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 11

2011-01-25T22:19:00.003-05:00

I did actually meditate today at the Shambhala center, but found the dharma talk so dead boring, I wanted to leave at any moment and head for the Beth's Triple Ginger Snaps sitting out on tables outside the main meditation room, and then head home for a feed. I guess the most interesting conversation I had today was actually with Single Ape about facing fears. He had responded to a letter on his blog by saying "being scared of something...means that you now have to put more energy into it" which really paralleled my New Years resolution this year, which was to approach fearful or uncomfortable situations. I wondered if ape was actually Buddha incarnate. Pema Chodron has said that "fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth". When I was about 20, I remember saying to myself "change is not really change unless it's scary." It *is* kind of fascinating to me that, even without Buddhist knowledge, we humans can convince ourselves that engaging in something uncomfortable may actually be the clue that we're on the right path. How do we come up with that 'stuff' on our own? And how do we know that it *is* the 'truth' or the best path?

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 10

2011-01-24T23:19:00.003-05:00

Pretty intense meditation today. Dad came into my mind quite strongly and I realized that his birthday and the day that he passed away are coming up :( I will make sure to celebrate his life with wonton soup as I usually do.

Miss you Dad.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 9

2011-01-23T23:12:00.001-05:00

Photo from livegreenblog.com

The last dharma talk I went to at Shambhala was led by Ethan Nichtern who is a senior teacher there. He had apparently been asked by one of his teachers the question: "What do you believe is the biggest problem for people today?" Ethan answered "self-doubt". His teacher apparently disagreed and believed the biggest problem in society is the need for "speed". For example, the need to check one's email 20 times a day, the need to have answers NOW, the need to have what one wants NOW, and in general, the tendency of people to focus on the short-term...instant gratification. I talk about these rather basic ideas because my meditation today was plagued by just that. Impatience. Right now, I'm making a decision to take up a rather random offer to travel to Turkey with someone I barely know. The impatient, impulsive side of me immediately wants to jump on the next plane, but the more thoughtful, older side of me, is questioning whether I'm just feeding into this "need for speed" that I'm addicted to. My meditation was basically a manifestation of this excitement and this wish for an adventure, perhaps even an escape from feeling a bit confused and stuck at work. But is that really so bad?

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 8

2011-01-22T16:07:00.005-05:00

Oh I love my new zafu and zambuton. Look at them sitting in my little meditation nook! Unfortunately, that radiator sitting in the background has a broken something-or-other, and is NOT working, and it's about -8 degs celsius outside. Yes, that's a "minus." Brrrrr!!!! So, as I sat there by the "heater" I was freezing my tits off and not very happy wearing my Peruvian hat, my scarf, a hoodie, a sweater tied around my waist (to cover up that stupid cold bit on the back...low cut jeans are evil!), hiking socks, jeans, and gloves. When it gets cold, I become a bear and want to hibernate so I started dozing off, then checking the clock, then just wanting the whole business to end. Sorry lovely cushions! You will be properly christened tomorrow when the heater is fixed. I promise!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 7

2011-01-21T23:51:00.003-05:00

Wow! I've officially hit the 1 week mark. Coolio! When people talk about their "train of thought," I sometimes believe that the metaphor of the train is right on. If I were to document the thoughts from today's meditation, they would look a little like this:

sit straight...focus...toothache...advil...nausea...cute boy...work...annoying...cute boy...nausea...work...travel...Europe...cute boy...advil...nausea...pins and needles...change position...zafu and zambuton...color schemes...paint my desk with stripes...green?...brown?...red?...green and purple...knitting pattern...brown...midnight blue...pay pal...cute boy...pins and needles goddammit!...change position...what time is it?...30 minutes?...fruit juice...smile...smile from within...work mate...cute boy...10 more minutes?...

You get the gist. Am I giving away too much about my inner world? I'm reasonably private about my inner world. Oh dearie me. Yes, I give away way too much. But hey, it's all stream of consciousness, train of thought, it's all just "transience" isn't it? The beauty of thoughts is that they really are transient. They don't inherently have meaning. My thoughts are probably a Freudian's dream, but really, they are just mind mumbles a lot of the time. Wow! The incoherence of my chatter....time for bed methinks!

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 6

2011-01-21T00:22:00.003-05:00

I attended the Tuesday night dharma talk at the Shambhala center this week. We were asked to talk with our neighbors about the obstacles we faced during meditation or that prevented us from engaging in meditation. My answer to the question was: "I struggle every single time I meditate. It's *work* to me. It's like when I used to go swimming. I really hated prepping for the swim, getting changed, getting in, and heck, even the swimming itself could be a chore..." but typically once it is over, I'm pretty happy that I did it. I guess it's like most things in life. Today was no exception. As I sat there on my hard towels on my hard wood floor (a proper zafu and zambuton set are in the mail as I write!), I just kept thinking about how bloody hard it all is. How can I trick myself into making the 40 minutes seem shorter? Shall I treat it like training for a marathon where I vary the distances each day? For example, 30 mins one day, 50 mins the next, then back to 40 mins so that the 40 mins begins to feel familiar and somewhat easy. I've read online that some teachers recommend that people meditate for 10 minutes longer than they feel comfortable. I guess the goal is to push the zone of discomfort till it becomes familiar or acceptable? I'm certainly not one for self-flagellation, but sometimes it feels a bit like that. Hmm...definitely something to mull over.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 5

2011-01-20T00:38:00.001-05:00

Every breath is an opportunity to start again.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 4

2011-01-18T23:22:00.004-05:00

I went to the Shambhala center today for their Tuesday night dharma talk and meditation session. In their style of meditation, it is important to observe the thoughts that pass through one's mind. The depth and sophistication of my thoughts today surprised even me with the main repetitive thought passing through the denseness of my brains being "Stripey Socks Rule". Ah yep. Real deep!

Note: pic below is not my legs, but they closely resemble the socks I wore today.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 3

2011-01-17T23:19:00.003-05:00

Although I'd like to post a pic of Ricky Gervais today given that his hilarious monologue on the Golden Globes kept invading my meditation, instead I think I'll post Martin Luther King Jr's inspiring words "On Love":

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,

begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 2

2011-01-16T22:27:00.003-05:00

Today kind of sucked. My rickety old knees kept knocking about the wooden floor. I also learned an important lesson. Skinny jeans do not maketh the meditation easy. In fact, circulation cut off more than usual to the point where I became so distracted at one point, I actually checked "the time" on my phone (aka facebook). *Blurgh*

But, on a positive note, I can say I did SIT for 40 minutes. And ain't that the goal? Hmmm?

2011 Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 1

2011-01-15T13:26:00.004-05:00

One of the challenges of this year's WFFTS is to try and make the meditation practice stick. Last year, I meditated religiously on a daily basis for 40minutes, but then promptly stopped as soon as the 40 days was over. A difference this year is that I'm in a new apartment, and I have this fabulous wee nook in one corner of my room that is the perfect cosy spot for meditation! As long as I leave it bare of furniture, it can be my permanent space for meditation and will always be ready to go. Up until now, I've only been able to meditate on my bed or on the couch. What's more, meditating on the bed felt somewhat "tapu" because I would sit on the pillows that I would sleep on each night. I think the creation of this separate space made Day 1 of WFFTS quite amazing for me. The new apartment to me is about rebirth, new starts, and the letting go of the past and unnecessary things. My nook is also a part of that. In fact, as I sat in my nook, a big part of what distracted me during the meditation was about how I could transform the space by adding a fabulous altar with inspiring bits and pieces to promote positive energy. The energy of this room is already warm and inviting so I want to take advantage of it and hopefully make meditation a part of my daily life instead of just this intermittent, random escape from NY's craziness.

Bring on Day 2!!

Drawing a blank!

2010-11-25T23:16:00.011-05:00

No really...I'm truly stuck now. I can't seem to write music anymore! I've tried a few times since July, and I tried again the other day, but nothing has come out. Why?? Where'd it go? I went to New Zealand in-between and had another burst of...something...but I ended up drawing instead. Life drawing to be specific. I haven't drawn since I was a kid, and I detested it. Usually my brain hurts when I try to draw. But there was something so wonderful about being in Wellington with lovely friends around me, and drawing the naked figure with beautiful classical music playing. I found it to be so meditative and inspiring. Surprisingly, I loved it and want to keep practising...

...but, I still really would like to get this music thing going again. I had a photo shoot recently,....long story, but I'm going to be in a NZ Women's magazine in January, so they wanted me posing with my bike in Central Park. The photographer was a cool dude who is also an amateur musician, so we have traded music and he is going to try and do something with "Stuck". I asked him to make it sound like Beach House (my favorite band du jour), but as he said, he'll try, but it'll probably just end up sounding like him. A mate sent me Ableton Live so I'm going to hack away at that and see if I can get it working in the next few weeks. That's about all I can muster right now. Admittedly, I've had a helluva lot of life going on in the last few months, both work, NZ, and friend-related, ...some good and some not-so-good. I'm also practising a new martial art called Hapkido a few times a week....

....so maybe I just need some time to settle back into things before trying again.

Stuck

2010-07-18T16:32:00.003-04:00

This is getting kind of embarrassing. Is that all I'm ever going to write? Love songs? So, the title "Stuck" came to me because I felt like I couldn't make any more music. I don't know what it is, but every time I create something, I think that that's the last thing I can possibly ever make, and that that's all I have in me. Then the theme of being "stuck" came to mind, and it all just came out pretty easily after that. Last night, I wrote the lyrics, and had douche chills at how embarrassing they were. Gah!

A friend recently gave me a midi keyboard, but I haven't had time to get the interface for it yet, so all riffs that require a keyboard (in this case the bass) are limited to just over an octave. If you can't tell from this track, I heart bass. In fact, once my mate Craig was in the car with me, and he saw the settings on my car radio which had the bass and treble all the way to the right. He laughed and exclaimed "look at you with your bass all the way to the right! wtf, you are SOO 90s!" Ah well. That was my era. Anyway, back to the track,...I'm still shuddering at the sound of my own voice, but I keep trying to take a leaf out of the pages of Chris Knox's book and just make it and sing it revealing warts and all. I can't produce music well in my room so I'm embracing what I have for now :)

Apart from music, it has been a very un-"stuck" week actually. I did a presentation at work that scored me a postdoctoral fellowship and lots of expectations are now on my reluctant shoulders to go crazy with my "innovative" research ideas. Now I have goals, but now I'm smarting at the responsibility. The Gemini in me freaks as soon as someone starts making plans for my future! In fact, with full awareness of my drifting ways, they have assigned me a team of mentors (rather than just 1) to make sure I don't go off-track. Yikes!!

Anyways, here's the song...

Stuck by zestywoo

Cheesy love song

2010-07-04T10:26:00.004-04:00

This week, I was determined to write a song with lyrics - a full song with a beginning, middle and an end, rather than just a mood piece. I really hate my singing voice, except if I'm humming backup or harmonies, but because I don't really have a vocalist at my beck and call, I sang it myself. And besides, it helps me on my mission toward being Prince, i.e., a one woman band (he is kind of a girly guy ya know).

So, what surprised me about this song, is that I am cheesy as hell. I always like to listen to edgy, mutant, warped music that challenges the old ears, but judging by what has been coming out of me, I'm a girly girl who likes love songs. *Sigh* Also, I'm not a creative writer. If I do write, it tends to be theoretical pieces about suicide and medical illness or cancer and cognitive functioning....*yawn*. I hated creative writing so much in high school, I actually refused to take English in my 7th form (Senior) year because I couldn't stand the stress of writing so much. So it was bloody hard for me to tell a story through music in this song and I feel very self-conscious indeed. Ah well...I'll get over it. Here it is for your aural pleasure :P

A little kitchen love song by zestywoo

Itchy and Scratchy

2010-06-26T21:00:00.004-04:00

I don't really want to get into it, but I've been dealing with a health issue that has basically been driving me around the bend. Instead, I've channelled my annoyance and utter frustration into my first dance track. I actually only spent no more than an hour or 2 on it, and then just listened to it over and over again all week thinking that it was total crap, and just reminded me of the hell to which I had descended. So, today, I just tacked on 1 additional instrument to the track and I'm done. Can't be faffed actually. Want to try something else now...

Itchy and Scratchy by zestywoo

And another 2 little ditties

2010-06-20T19:59:00.010-04:00

After my first attempt at making music, I churned out these 2 little ditties mostly right before bed, or before going out. I was a bit lazy with takes, and only re-recorded the vocals for "Dunno" just now. There are ambient sounds from my room in both of these recordings because I don't live in a recording studio, and I don't actually have a real mic. I'm only using the inbuilt mic in my Mac as an experiment. Also my "keyboard" is limited to my Mac laptop keyboard right now. I'm limited to an octave at a time, and sometimes it gets buggy and won't let me hold down 2 notes at the same time. Creating multiple tracks kind of solves the problem, but not really. So, you'll see a theme of the key of C major. Well, I like the idea of simplistic "field recordings" anyway. I have this image of me sitting in Central Park and just recording right out there with the sounds of sirens blaring and dogs barking.

In terms of song "titles", "Dunno" came to me very quickly. "Dunno" is about the buddhist notion of living with uncertainty :P What is funny is that a friend told me that their family dog was named "Dunno" because they couldn't think of a name for the poor cur. Imagine that? Imagine being that dog...the dog whose family couldn't even come up with a name for him. Sad. When I finished my first draft of "Dunno" I actually went to sleep with nightmares that it was the backing track for a karaoke song. I guess I just thought it was lame. Vocals are out of tune and the keyboards sound tacky. What can I say? I'm a Gemini who is too impatient to re-record.

Dunno by zestywoo

The next ditty is called "Percussively" because my wonderful friend and soundie, P, wanted more beats. So I gave her beats. I was told by friends that it sounded vaguely African, so I guess I dedicate it to the 2010 FIFA World Cup!

Percussively by zestywoo

Making music

2010-06-20T19:19:00.009-04:00

Yes, I'm being very literal. I'm actually making music for the first time in my life. I almost typed "laugh" instead of "life" just then, which says it all. I'm just 'aving a laff, but would be mortified if people actually did :/ I did compose pieces on piano back when I was a kid, but those "pieces" didn't really count because they were usually no more than a minute and even my supportive piano teacher was not impressed. I gave up pretty quickly. But ever since I was a radio DJ in the early 90s, I did have small aspirations to create my own music. I never really said it outloud though. I was too embarrassed to. Then, when I lived with my ex-boyfriend for years, I felt that there was no room for my creativity to enter the room. I guess I was stifled. I'm not blaming him completely. I *get* why I couldn't talk about my own aspirations. It's tough being an aspiring professional musician. The idea of having a partner say "I want to have a go at what you do" just for fun was really not the done thing. I let the stifling happen. It is only recently that supportive girlfriends have noticed something in me and said "you should do something about it." Although the genesis of this side of me probably began a long time ago, it really has only begun to manifest since my birthday which was about 2 weeks ago. I received sticky hooks for my birthday, which enabled me to *finally* put pictures up on my concrete bedroom walls. I also received a lovely moleskine in which to write down my creative ideas. Another friend suggested I work with her and create a radio documentary in which we would write our own music and I would do all interviews and voiceovers. Suddenly, I felt rejuvenated...full of energy, for the first time in years! Then, last Friday, I started emailing and chatting with friends from the past, asking them about what I could do to create music. How should I begin? I received some practical advice, but the best advice of all was to focus on the process, because that's where the fun was. After that one piece of advice, I burst into tears at my desk, opened up GarageBand for the first time on my laptop, watched the tutorial vids (all of about 10 minutes), and within a couple of hours, I'd created my first "piece." I sent it to a couple of people right away, and received really lovely feedback. I know it is laughable...really it is, but it was my first attempt to express myself in an original way through music. All 1 take. All just from my bedroom, at my desk, with sounds from my room. And, who cares what it sounds like? It made me happy. I've created 3 additional tracks in the last week and will post them in due course, but in the meantime, all you stragglers who happen to pass by my little blog can take a listen. Cheers!

Outerspace! by zestywoo

Back to the cushion...

2010-05-26T18:54:00.003-04:00

It's been quite a long siesta, but I finally made it back to the cushion...the meditation cushion, that is. I feel so bloody lazy. The thing about meditation, is that it is kind of like a detox. It doesn't feel very nice sometimes. It is also something I tend to avoid when I feel like shit OR when I'm excited and happy. Both have certainly been my experiences over the last few months, and what it has led to is months of non-practice, which totally sucks. I went to see HH Dalai Lama on Sunday. My friend Bonnie did a deal with some dude on the street and plopped down $600 cash for 4 otherwise sold out tickets. Thank God the tickets were for real otherwise what a f'n irritation that would have been. As always, the DL gave us the down low about life and such, and I felt invigorated and inspired by his mere presence. He also said the blessed words "fuck it" during his talk which pleased me muchly. But like a detox, I hit a bit of a low the next day and thought "fuck it, why do I feel like shit today when HHDL was so rad yesterday." Then I realized, I had been avoiding my practice and expecting life to bring me lots of presents without much work. So today I sat on my pillows on my bed and meditated for 40 minutes. Lo and behold, some truths started appearing before my eyes, some "distractions" presented themselves that had actually been sapping at my soul, and it was altogether bloody good to finally face them. So yay! I may not be all joyous and "happy" but I'm at least being open and living my experiences again rather than grasping at them or pushing them away. Onwards and upwards I say!

On being creative - a family history

2010-03-25T17:50:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking an awful lot lately about what it means to be creative. What inspires a person to generate new ideas, to put pen to paper, to write music, etc etc? People have often said to me that I'm a creative person, yet I'm flummoxed when people ask me if I draw, if I write, if I make music, or whatever. And the answer is, inevitably, "no, but I blog a little and it's just for me really." So I feel like a doofus for even considering myself that way. But, I've realized that it is a HUGE deal for me to put myself out there in any way. My family raised me to focus on the practical, and the artistic side of me was nurtured less (except the requisite classical piano as a child of Chinese parents). I've since realized that in my most significant romantic relationship, I stifled that side of me, because I was scared. And when scared, I tend to focus on the practical, which is the same as what my family does and has done their whole lives. My parents sacrificed for the good of their children (my brother and I). Their parents risked their lives during World War II to cross the world in search of a better life for their children. Yet when I imagine my maternal grandmother "Por Por" sitting on the wharf in Wellington harbour with 3 kids in tow, after having just arrived from China, without a word of English in her vocabulary, all their worldly possessions in camphor chests and wooden boxes around them, watching and waiting, fear overwhelming her as one-by-one, fellow passengers disappeared as their relatives came to greet them and pick them up, watching and waiting with a complete sense of desolation and isolation as the hours ticked by with nary a familiar face in sight,.....I cry*. I cry because there was no room for creativity, not when survival was upper most in her mind. In a way, because of what my family went through, I feel a pressing need to express myself through music or writing or maybe even crafting, even if I'm not particularly good at it. And, I like to surround myself with people who truly experience life moment-to-moment, because it inspires me to be creative. Having said that, most people are inspiring to me, no matter what they do or where they come from. I'm easily impressed and inspired it seems. As part of my attempt to be creative, I hope to log more of this journey as time goes on, jot notes here and there, and see where it takes me....

*Por Por was left stranded at the wharf for SIX hours because her brother-in-law (my great Uncle) who was extremely jealous of her for many reasons, refused to drive to pick her up. In the end, one of my great Uncle's girlfriends - a Maori woman by the name of Mona - felt sorry for Por Por and drove to pick her up.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 40!!!!

2010-02-23T22:48:00.005-05:00

Yes, today was the last day of the Winter Feast for the Soul 2010. Yippeee!!!! In order to celebrate the moment, I headed down to the Shambhala Center with my friend, Steph for their Tuesday night dharma talk. The topic this evening was entitled, "The Necessity of Boredom." The glamor topics of "fear", "living with uncertainty", "worry", "sadness" were absent this evening, and I was quite pleased. Why? Because boredom dots *most* of our daily lives. The Shambhala speaker and Buddhist geek, Ethan Nichtern described it as "the crucible of boredom". He used the example of the movie Avatar in Imax 3D as a stimulating, exciting movie, but even during such a film, people will still experience moments of boredom, or will become overly habituated to the world it creates. Being able to just experience boredom, and know that creativity tends to flow in moments of apparent emptiness is incredibly inspiring. It certainly validates all those times when I've felt like I've *become* boring.

I'm soooo glad to have made it to the end of WFFTS. I never thought I'd make it. I'm going to try and keep up a regular practice from now on. I may not make it to 40 minutes a day, but I've certainly found it increasingly easier as time has gone on, and mercifully, I don't think I've become a smelly hippy in the process!

Oh, and by the way, the Dalai Lama met with Obama this week, so I thought it apropo to end this post with this cheery pic :)

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 39

2010-02-22T23:47:00.002-05:00

Photo Credit: Ann Lossman, Warrensburg

Today, I went to work and was greeted with a beautiful yellow feather mask in the shape of a butterfly. The head of my department had just arrived back from New Orleans and had left it there for me. Coincidentally, I've been reading a wonderful book by Rachael King called "The Sound of Butterflies" so butterflies have been in my energy lately. Strangely, I have had an aversion to butterflies in the past. I am seriously creeped out by their insect bodies. So, back in the early 90s, when I was travelling in Singapore, I have this strong memory of me entering a butterfly sanctuary, and then freaking out as one-by-one, butterfly after butterfly used my body as a landing pad. I clearly recall having to resist the insane urge to kill them with my hand. Even today, I almost couldn't touch the mask (which was clearly made of bird feathers and not actual butterfly), and had to gingerly pick it up by the string to hang it up on my wall. According to this site:

"Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation."

The unwavering acceptance of metamorphosis is key to the butterfly, and it is certainly something I must embrace right now. I just received word today that I have a job interview for the position I applied for last week. I am FREAKING OUT. During meditation, I could feel my eyes fluttering as ideas darted from one place to another in my brain. I just couldn't keep myself together. Yet, as those ideas enveloped me, I felt a real flow and expansion happening in my body. I'm ready for something new, and I think the butterfly is a sign of change to come!

One more day to go of WFFTS!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 38

2010-02-21T23:39:00.002-05:00

Without getting TMI on you, I've felt a bit hormonally challenged this weekend, but despite that, found the meditation to be much much easier. Mr. Phil focused on "Mindfulness of Thinking" today, and it was much more similar to the kind of meditation I'm used to. So, today's sesh was like pulling on an old pair of slippers and sitting on a comfy chair. The thoughts ebbed and flowed, but I simply labelled them as "thinking" and continued on my merry way. Pretty event-less, which was nice, considering how absolutely FUCKED I felt just moments before :D

Ahhh...yess...ye olde hormones. 2 more days to go!!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 37

2010-02-21T01:44:00.003-05:00

Meditation today entered the realm of metacognition, and it was bloody exhausting, not just to learn about it, but to try and apply it. When I worked with brain-injured individuals, we often talked about their tendency to be unaware that they were unaware. Definitely a hard concept to wrap one's head around, and even more difficult for someone who is brain-injured. This evening, I found it even harder to apply in the meditation session itself. It felt like my brain was working overtime to be aware that I was just aware of my consciousness a moment ago, but then became aware that I became unaware subsequently. WEIRD! I found my stomach completely jittery the whole time, and I just wanted to stop and check the time. But, I didn't. I persevered. Although meditation should not be an activity of endurance, I did want to stick at it, and use the jittery stomach and my awareness of it, as an object of the meditation itself. Perhaps the lateness of my meditation session today made it quite difficult today. (I did finish at close to 2am). I *had* been out the entire day in the Upper East Side with friends, eating, museuming, and generally mooching about. Maybe that marathon day wore me out. I will try to keep practising this practice and be aware of my awareness during this practice, but really, it does feel kind of silly. It's like the situation when a TV camera is focused on an image that is focused on itself. The image projects to infinity...So confusing! Only 3 more days to go! I'm seriously looking forward to Tuesday night when I hope to end the Winter Feast at the Shambhala Center :)

Oh, I learned a lot about hieroglyphics today. Not really relevant to meditation, but nice pic nonetheless. Did you know that hieroglyphics should be read in the opposite direction to which the characters are facing? So in the following image, the text should be read from left to right.

Source: www.firehow.com

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 36

2010-02-19T23:54:00.004-05:00

Too much food, too little sleep. I just felt overloaded in general, today. The meditation was OK, but quite blah and lacking in true insight. Dr. Phil's recording was also bloated with too much information that I couldn't really latch onto. It was almost overwhelming in its complexity and was difficult to translate into practice. Usually his recordings have focused on very simple themes or at least one theme that can be applied in a practical way in the meditation, but for some reason, today's just didn't jive with me. I went back to my usual formless meditation Pema Chodron style, and that seemed to help. But, I think my exhaustion from lack of sleep (I'm a bit of a vampire who likes to stay up hours past my bedtime for no other reason than I like to stay up late) and too much good food really sapped me dry. I had just come home from dinner with a good friend at my favorite art museum in the city, Neue Galerie, where we dined in their most delightful museum cafe, Cafe Sabarsky. I supped on their hearty goulash before relishing my favorite milchrahmstrudel for dessert. I guess it's easy to understand why I couldn't really concentrate in meditation today!

Source: http://www.joeclipart.com/blog/archives/photo/

Source: http://kingbarneyandfriends.blogspot.com/2009/11/cafe-sabarsky.html

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 35

2010-02-18T17:03:00.007-05:00

Painting by Robyn Kahukiwa entitled "Hongi" - Source: www.prints.co.nz

I enjoyed meditation so much today. Mr. Phil talked about the importance of skillful vs. unskillful mind states, and to be able to meet it with mindfulness, kindness and non-judgmental awareness. For me, it meant that the thoughts that entered my mind were greeted with warmth and love, rather than with hatred and an almost "fuck off" kind of attitude (which has been quite typical for me in years past!)

In my work as a shrink, I'm very aware of the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I know how important it is to approach thoughts with empathy and acceptance, because they do influence how one feels. But, to see meditation have an impact on my thoughts through subtle changes in attitude, and greeting, particularly unpleasant thoughts with a warm embrace, it actually amazes me how much my heart feels lifted, and also, how much I start to sound like a freakin' weirdo free loving hippy from the 60s! I assure you I am NOT one of thems peeps. I am just me - the same weirdo I've always been who is into weird shit and likes dark, filthy jokes and fully armed with the mouth of a truck driver. I have no intention of ever wearing tie-dye at any point in my life.

So, today, I felt amazingly open-hearted. In fact, over the last few days, I have felt really warm inside. I know a part of it is because I am beginning to cherish open-hearted connections with others. They are precious and so rare, but I'm super-lucky to have them at all!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 34

2010-02-18T00:05:00.003-05:00

Today's meditation practice felt pretty heavy. I think that remnants of yesterday's practice at the Shambhala center somehow stuck with me through to today and I felt a heaviness in my throat and heart chakras. One thing that Joe Mauricio said at the talk yesterday, was the importance of meditating with compassion and loving kindness towards the self. So, if unpleasant or fearful thoughts enter one's mind, it is important to accept them with warmth and openness and without judgment. I tried to do that a bit today and noticed a somatic lightening of the heart region immediately. It really is amazing how a subtle shift of the mind can change a physical sensation so significantly. I can't believe there are only 6 days of WFFTS to go. I will be sad when it ends, but will try to keep it up in one form or other after that time.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 33

2010-02-17T01:05:00.004-05:00

It is late late late in zestyland, so I'm going to have to keep this entry short and sweet. I wandered down to the Shambhala Center again today. It was such a treat to be able to put into practice all that I've learned over the past 33 days and use it in a public setting with other practitioners. I felt proud to be able to sit with a decent posture and sustain my pose for the meditation period, and was able to stay focused for much of that time as well. The smoothness with which thoughts ebbed and flowed in my mind continued from Day 31, and I can now appreciate the training that I've put myself through so far. I met a few interesting people today, partly because the teacher took us through an exercise that required us to talk to our sitting neighbors. It was nice. Then I made my way down to the Tuck Shop for a bit of feasting of the soul and the body by stuffing my face with a pulled pork meat pie smothered in freshly made cole slaw, and chatting with the lovely Anja.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 32

2010-02-16T00:38:00.004-05:00

I really am counting down the days till the end of WFFTS. Today's meditation sesh was a little bit torturous. I almost had a dead leg again, which was mildly irritating, especially since I've been doing really well in sustaining a relatively still posture during the sessions these days. It felt a bit like a backward step. But, I understand that that is all part of the practice. Every day is different. Nothing is permanent....even dead legs. Today's practice was also suffused with thoughts about Dad again. Yesterday was Chinese New Year, and due to the fact that the lunar new year often begins on different days each year, Dad actually died 10 years ago on Chinese New Years Day even though Chinese New Year was a full 10 days earlier that year. So, Dad has been on my mind a lot lately. I kind of hope that spirits do live on and that he is keeping a close eye on me. Whether or not they do, I certainly feel, at times, very protected. I'm single and living a very independent life in one of the most amazing cities on earth, so to feel reasonably secure in my life here is a wonderful gift. I may get antsy and irritated and feel stuck at times but really I don't have a helluva lot to complain about. Meditation sure helps decatastrophize the inane goings-on in my life and helps me to focus on the big picture. 8 more days of this to go....

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 31

2010-02-15T01:05:00.005-05:00

Gong hee faat choy! It's a new year - the Year of the Metal Tiger. According to this website:

Hot passion meets cold steel with the arrival of the year of the Metal Tiger. This combined sign signifies both the energy to begin activity and the determination to follow it through to the end.

Hmm...shame I'm not a Tiger. I'm actually a Rat in Chinese Astrology. Dang. This website says that:

It is essential that (the Rat) goes with the flow and seizes opportunities and takes adventures - this year is going to be important for them.

Alrighty then! Not so bad I guess. I choose to ignore the sites that say this year will be neutral or challenging. I know it will be. Isn't every year anyway? That's L.I.F.E. I like this pic of the Rat. It says that I tend to be a "hyperactive worker" which is kind of funny. I read an old high school report from the 5th Form (about age 15) written by my Technical Drawing teacher who said that I could be a bit hyperactive. He also commented on my tendency to complain a lot saying something along the lines of "Through a fog of 'I don't knows' and 'I can't do this's', she generally comes up with the right answers." Funny. Not much changes over 20 years!

As far as meditation went today, I found it to be surprisingly smooth. I'm noticing a shift in my meditation from the erratic grasping and pushing away of thoughts to a much smoother experience, perhaps due to my increased ability to round out the edges of my thoughts. Often, the less pleasant thoughts that cross my mind's path lead to feelings of frustration, sadness and confusion, and corresponding tightness in my throat. Although those somatic sensations were still there today when those less pleasant thoughts arose, I did notice that my experience was more wavelike rather than the seismic peaks and valleys of yore. So, in all, I'm feeling pretty chuffed about how things are going with WFFTS. The process is becoming more habitual in nature, less conscious, and more natural. Yippee!!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 30

2010-02-13T18:09:00.004-05:00

Wow! I've hit the 30 day mark. 3/4 of the way through. 10 days to go! Yippee! Meditation today was really lovely. After the oddness and vagueness of yesterday's meditation, it was nice to have a peaceful and calm and low drama session today. Mr. Phil and Buddhist teachers often talk about achieving "equanimity" through meditation, which is when an individual feels contentment and peace. My understanding of the term is that spiritually, it is when a person is able to skillfully manage their thoughts in a way that is compassionate and without extremes - neither pushing thoughts or feelings away nor grasping at them, but mindfully accepting them. I love the way Pema Chodron approaches meditation. When thoughts or feelings arise, she encourages her pupils to label them "thinking" without judgment or commentary. It is, inherently, a compassionate approach because one's thoughts and feelings are not evaluated. I have had an event-filled last 24 hours so for me to be able to approach the meditation calmly and compassionately today was quite a miracle. Perhaps I'm just too tired to be able to take on the valence of the emotions right now, but I don't really mind!

On the Inca Trail, Peru

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 29

2010-02-13T15:20:00.003-05:00

A day late in posting this but what the hey! Better late than never right? Meditation was a little convoluted yesterday. It was relatively peaceful, but also not. I'm pretty good at maintaining a cross-legged position for the full 40 minutes now without much to-do. Something was a bit out-of-whack, but the reasons became clearer later in the evening. I'm just a bit all over the place in life right now...personally and professionally, and my behaviors pretty much reflect that confusion. I had an interesting evening with friends watching the Olympics. I was genuinely saddened by the death of the Georgian athlete, but then spent the evening mocking and poking fun at the Canadian opening ceremony. It is amazing how human beings (well, me actually) can carry such opposing feelings in the course of one day. In my real life, I'm also caught in a weird place where confusion reigns and I think my meditation is reflecting that. The emotions are not extreme, but just unclear....vague even. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say today. I'll just leave it at that shall I?

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 28

2010-02-11T23:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes meditation feels like an utterly hard slog. I *so* didn't want to meditate today. I'm exhausted from the job application stress of the last few days and seriously lacking in sleep. I've also been struggling with certain addictions. Heh. A good friend of mine calls me a "junkie" with respect to this aspect of my life, which I guess you, dear reader, will just have to guess the nature of, though I'm generally pretty transparent, even when I'm being obtuse. Despite my exhaustion, I put Mr. Phil on, and lo and behold, the topic of today's session was "Feeling and Craving." Apropo indeed. It was surprisingly useful and resonated for me completely. Today, I decided to meditate with eyes closed. I wanted to tap into my inner voice more than usual, especially since I feel like I'm going through some kind of transition right now. Energies are shifting. God, I sound like an old witch, but really, I'm just going through what everyone goes through in life. Movement. The clearing out of the old to make way for the new! Someone once said to me, "Movement is good, cuz if the shit's not moving, you're constipated"...in life, of course :P

Last year, when I was having a particularly tough time, around the time of my birthday, a dear friend of mine gave me a glass/jade frog from Chinatown. She did not know what it symbolized, but for some reason she felt drawn to it, and bought it for me. According to this website:

When the frog jumps into your life, it may indicate now is a time to find opportunities in transition. We see animal symbolism of transition with the frog in its unique growth cycle. The frog undergoes incredible transformations to reach the destination of full adulthood, and so do we as humans.

Indeed!

Source: http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-frog.html

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 27

2010-02-10T23:29:00.002-05:00

Snow day today! Lots of kids riding on sleds and people stomping through slushy piles of snow. As I meditated, I could hear the snow ploughs scraping by and the sound of snow plopping from the sides of my apartment building. Today, in my meditation, Mr. Phil put me through my paces, encouraging me to consider feelings as being pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. In my life, I've been dealing with delays in submitting that job application I keep harping on about, as well as distractions outside of work that have been a bit destabilizing to say the least. Nothing major, but just a bit like fingernails on a blackboard all the time. Anyway, during the meditation, it became apparent to me how intimately connected the mind and the body really are....doh! I noticed that my throat was tight throughout the entire session, and this was not pleasant at all, and it makes complete sense because there are so many unresolved "things" going on in my life that just aren't comfortable to be dealing with. Going outside earlier in the day was wonderfully refreshing though. The blizzard gave me an excuse to don my relatively new gum boots. As a kid, Mum wouldn't let me jump into puddles, and being a good daughter, I didn't....even when she wasn't around to keep an eye on me. Where did all that obedience come from I wonder? And why is there almost no trace of it now? Now, as a grown-up, I take every opportunity to make up for those "lost" experiences. In all, today was an odd day, but one that I won't quickly forget. Snow tends to do that. Walking through a blizzard is a glorious, unforgettable, visceral experience!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 26

2010-02-10T00:57:00.003-05:00

After a day of frantically writing and rewriting my job application essay, trolling through old files to see what "publications" I can trounce out for the potential employers, and then topped off by a rather intense conversation with my head of department, I was pretty bloody exhausted by the time I came home. What's more, Tuesday is my day of cleansing, so I was running around doing laundry and wiping and spraying and mopping. But...at last it is all done, and now the apartment smells like fresh cut daisies (though when I say fresh cut daisies, I really mean phosphate filled toxic cleansers). Meditation was surprisingly peaceful considering. There is supposed to be a massive snow storm tonight. Many schools will be off tomorrow. I had the brilliant idea of cross-country skiing in Central Park, but alas, there are no cross-country ski rentals in the city that I know of. I have never cross-country skied, but uh...can't be too difficult can it? Anyway, I hope to fall asleep to dreams of fresh snowflakes upon my face...

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 24 & 25

2010-02-08T23:06:00.005-05:00

Bummer dude! After days of reasonably smooth meditation practice, yesterday's practice kind of sucked. There's no other way to put it. I was feeling agitated and crappy. I kept looking at my phone to check the time. I didn't even make it through the entire 40 minutes. In fact, I gave up at 30 minutes and read a chapter of Pema Chodron instead. The agitation was primarily related to the fact that I hadn't completed the Statement of Career Goals for my job application. Instead, I'd spent the weekend partying and watching the Super Bowl with a bunch of people downtown at someone's apartment. I actually had a great time, but that unfortunate nagging feeling of not having completed something rather important and also the fear of applying for the new job was in my head during my entire meditation.

But, after a day spent working on the job application and then an hour of yoga in the evening, I was finally able to settle into a more "normal" meditation practice. The anxiety is still there, and so I sensed in my body the palpating of my heart a lot more than usual. The heart region is associated with the Anahata chakra. Wikipedia states the following:

In Anahata, one is making decisions, 'following your heart', based upon one's higher self, and not from the unfulfilled emotions and desires of lower nature.

I can certainly relate to the hopes and wishes of this chakra and sense that a weighty decision is upon my shoulders. Gah! So difficult!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 23

2010-02-06T12:03:00.004-05:00

I just finished reading a most beautiful and inspirational book by Muriel Barbery called "The Elegance of the Hedgehog." Every single page was philosophical, romantic, and moving. It is a rare occasion when I put down the Iris Murdoch book I'm reading to read something else, and this was one of those times. A young girl goes through an existential crisis, but witnesses redemption in the life of the concierge in her building. It celebrates the beauty in all individuals, and the ugliness of class. I have tried to hold onto the importance of "seeing the beauty in the ordinary," not just in people, but in everyday occurrences. Meditation and yoga have certainly supported those experiences. Or maybe, they've just made me appreciate the banality of my boring ol' life! Elevating the experience of the ordinary may just be a way for me to reconcile the cognitive dissonance between the dreams that I had as a little moppet and my reality, which never quite lived up to those dreams. But, it's all good. These are just the inane musings of a privileged woman, i.e., me. I'm pretty freakin' lucky in every way, and have nothing to moan about. In fact, when I think about it, my dreams were really silly anyway, and the stuff of fantasies, and what I'm living is nothing like what I ever imagined. Maybe that's a good thing. Ah Muriel Barbery has made me think all serious-like.

Back to the levity! I meditated this morning to Mr. Phil and ended up with a dead leg. Around the 39 minute mark (I know this because he rang his little bells soon after this experience), I realized that my left leg was dead. It was all numb and felt like a dead weight, so I flung it off the bed. By the time Mr. Phil uttered his last words, I was dragging my dead leg, John Cleese style, across the room to the computer to turn the recording off. Not exactly a peaceful ending to the meditation; not exactly what one visualizes when they think of spiritual enlightenment. But, the tightness in my leg did provide impetus for me to get to yoga even though all I wanted to do was sleep.

Now I'm done with those activities, I have the rest of the day to do "normal" things. I have to get this job app done! It has been freaking me out. Meditation and yoga helped to keep the nerves under control, but probably the best cure will be to just get it done. Go Go Go!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 22

2010-02-05T18:06:00.005-05:00

"Plagued with anxiety" pretty much encapsulates my day today. As I've mentioned, I'm applying for a job and it is requiring quite a bit of effort to find ways to explain the gaps in my CV, and the important skill of "padding" that shizzle will need to be utilized to somehow make me look competitive. One thing that I seem to have is a complete lack of confidence in situations like this. So, naturally, during the meditation today with Mr. Phil, thoughts about needing to work on the application kept cropping up, and feelings of being a complete doofus. My natural inclination at times like these is to just dive into the work that needs to be done, panicking along the way, but the meditation was surprisingly helpful in settling the stomach so that I can go out tonight and actually maybe enjoy the Aerial show in Gowanus, Brooklyn tonight (near me old 'hood). Maybe I should take up aerials. That'd fix the ol' nerves. A job application would probably seem like nada compared to hanging like Pink over an audience of stargazers.

Must get ready...off I go!

RIP Dad

2010-02-04T18:53:00.004-05:00

It's 10 years to the day since Dad died. I miss you Dad. Love you always

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 21

2010-02-04T18:44:00.003-05:00

It's beginning to dawn on me the significant impact daily meditation is having upon my life. If it weren't for meditation (as well as my long-suffering friends), I would not have decided to apply for that new job that I mentioned in yesterday's posting. I made the rounds at work (and by email to New Zealand) to gather up the necessary references, updated my CV, etc. I really don't believe I would have approached this opportunity if it weren't for meditation being there to quell my insane nerves that can, at times, feel like they're about to rupture my guts at any moment, Alien style.

Today, Mr. Phil took me through 4 postures of meditation - sitting, standing, walking and lying down. The focus of meditation is typically upon the breath, especially when sitting. However, in the other 3 positions, the focus is generally upon the sensations of the body, and during moving postures, upon the intentions AND the sensations. I really enjoyed the variety even though it was really more of a lesson rather than a meditation sesh today. Hopefully more of it will be included in future sessions.

Ick, I'm just watching that Alien clip I just linked to. Why'd I do that??? Need.Positive.Image.Now.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 20

2010-02-03T23:34:00.009-05:00

I'm half way!!!! Yay!!! I can't believe I've come this far with the whole WFFTS affair. I've never meditated so much in my life. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I'm not sure if it's benefited me in any way as yet. If it has, I'm not consciously aware of it. Maybe that comes later. Maybe the changes are subtle, but the long-term results are pretty bloody amazing. I have images of a flower blossoming under time lapse photography. Yeah that's me. The flower. Get it?

Anyhoo, today's meditation was full of jitteriness combined with exhaustion. Due to drinking too much chinese tea over dinner last night, I found it almost impossible to get to sleep. It was ridiculous! I was up ichatting with buds from about 1.30am to 3am. Then, I had to arise at around 9am to get to work at a tardy 10am. The whole day was pretty much awash, not because I can't work without sleep, but because I'm just so damned inefficient. I end up running around about 5 times more than I need to, and that's just to go to the loo. I was also a bit nervy about the idea of applying for a particular job opportunity. It would mean a commitment to an area of work that I didn't think I wanted, plus a huge pay cut. Sounds rad doesn't it? But, being a sucker for masochism, it suddenly became a viable option when I talked about it with my friend last night. With all that going on, naturally, my meditation was up the creek as well. Lots of butterflies mixed in with a few yawns here and there. Although the meditation was all over the place tonight, I am getting a much better body sense of the time. I can almost *feel* when the 40 minutes is up. And, what used to feel like a marathon 40 minutes of meditation no longer seems to feel so much like crawling through the Cu Chi tunnels of Saigon. [Obviously, not my video below, but I did go through it way back in 1995 and felt extremely panicky. I remember also being quite shocked when the army guy "helped" me out of the tunnels by firmly grabbing both breasts before lifting me out. Lovely.]

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 19

2010-02-02T23:51:00.003-05:00

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he were still alive he'd be 75 years old! It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years since his death. I had a rather vivid dream a few days ago that not only served to remind me that Dad's birthday was coming up (eek...sorry Dad, almost forgot!) but also reminded me that in the early years after his death, I used to go down to Chinatown on his birthday to eat wonton soup, his favorite. So, today I managed to make my way down to Chinatown after work where I ate wonton soup with an old psychologist friend of mine. We also pretty much inhaled other Chinese dishes at New York eatery, Great NY Noodle Town, that I'm sure Dad would also have approved of - steamed fish and chinese vegetables in garlic sauce, as well as buttered toast with condensed milk for dessert at Tearrific. In all, it was a delightful way to celebrate Dad's life. As with many Chinese families, food was probably his biggest hobby. He sure loved to eat! I know I inherited his love of food as well.

By the time I arrived home, I had to drag my full belly into the door of my bedroom, and will myself to meditate. Because of the occasion, it was hard to meditate "normally". There was no focusing of the breath going on, nor the usual entry and exit of thoughts and feelings. Instead, the session was suffused with emotion and memories about Dad, and imaginary conversations with him as well. So although I didn't succeed in meditating in the usual way, it was nice to feel a little closer to him today.

Source: samskitchen.net

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 18

2010-02-01T23:13:00.005-05:00

Source: Wikipedia

With the full moon waning, I've been feeling a bit of calmness after the craziness of last week. My meditation was no exception. However, there has been some residual agitation housed in my stomach area, which is where the Manipura Chakra is housed. This chakra is associated with the ego, power, vital energies, control, and freedom to be oneself, as well as with the element of Fire. All exciting qualities indeed (if one believes in that hokey sort of stuff...maybe I do...maybe I don't). It was rather strange though, as my breathing was very calm, but my legs started to tense up and lose circulation. I think the meditation has really been helpful in dealing with my various addictions (ooer....) and agitations, but my stomach seems to send little demons of discomfort as if to say, "Hey you! I'm still here!" Usually I would tell those demons to go bugger off, but today, I said "Why hello! I know you're still there. I'm ok about seeing you, but uh, yeah...try not to be so hard on me ok?...Ok." According to Wikipedia, who seem to think it's ok to quote psychics these days(!) "listening" to Manipura may help in making better decisions in one's life on many different levels. Oh really?

On that note, and without going into too much personal detail, I've decided to try to deal with a few matters in my life that are a little unhealthy by being George Costanza about them. And strangely, it was during savasana in yoga today that I came up with such a beautifully simple idea. I hope it does the trick!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 17

2010-01-31T23:01:00.003-05:00

It feels like forever since I last meditated, yesterday morning. Lacking in sleep, I awoke this morning in a blurry haze, but with the urgent need to get up, get out of the house to go to a cancer fundraising event. In my usual impulsive fashion, I had agreed at the very last minute to be a member of a spinning team. In other words, 4 of us were given the task of taking 4 consecutive spinning classes (1 each) in order to raise money for cancer research at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. I don't think I've ever encountered the American exercise experience in quite this way ever before. I have attended Full Body Workout classes in the past (due to being given guest memberships here and there), but never a class as loud and "yelly" as this one. Now I know how the Biggest Losers feel on television. Now I know why they lose weight in the face of such loud enthusiasm. I hate to admit it, but even though I almost spun out of control a few times (after a few "sprints" when my brain forgot to tell my feet to keep pedalling at the same pace as I transitioned to sitting again *almost* creating embarrassing situation of me flat on my face beside stationary bike) I bloody well enjoyed it. What with an audience of cancer survivors and their families/friends yelling from the sidelines, and the instructors looking amazingly fit, toned and happy, I couldn't help but "go for it" when I had to. By the time I'd gorged on chicken fingers at Juniors in Grand Central Station with my fellow team members and trained it home, I was awake and even a little bit euphoric. (I guess endorphins *must* exist. I so rarely do cardio exercise at the moment, it's hard to tell whether the existence of the "endorphin high" isn't really just some evil urban legend meant to tease and tempt would-be exercisers into undertaking ridiculously painful and pointless activities....like riding on stationary bikes!) Then later in the afternoon, exhaustion hit and it was beddy bye time for an hour. Meditation suddenly got pushed back and pushed back, but I managed to sneak it in there before final bedtime hit. I've had a lot of crazy emotions hit me this week due to imbalance in my home environment, a very vivid and emotional dream that involved my father earlier in the week, and work weirdness. It all kind of hit me in today's meditation and I found myself having to follow Mr. Phil's instructions to be aware of my "aversions" (i.e., thoughts I wished to push away), give them space to breathe a little, and *then* let them go. It was an incredibly powerful technique that helped me with the more visceral kinds of memories or emotion-laden thoughts that I have. They seemed to become neutralized by this approach. Yippee! What I'm really shooting for is this...

Source: everydaymeditation.wordpress.com

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 16

2010-01-30T23:48:00.003-05:00

I had a rather lacklustre meditation morning, which is probably a good thing. This was the first time that I'd meditated in the morning for WFFTS, and it was surprisingly undramatic, perhaps even boring. My evening meditations have usually felt like decompressions, or debriefings of my day, and the afternoon ones have pretty much been characterized by utter craziness. It was nice to wake up peacefully, without the usual weekday truck driver incursions into my sacred mental space, and so it felt like a good time to try a morning meditation sesh. Unfortunately, I'm not a morning person AT ALL, so I kept dozing off, my body listing from side-to-side, and then jolting itself awake again and again. So, I'm still not sure that morning meditations are a good thing for me. Some people prefer it because it allows one to start the day in a positive, calm way. For me, I think the evening is my favorite time to meditate. I will continue to experiment with different times of the day to see how it goes. It may just be today. It was friggin' cold outside. That's not really relevant to all this, but I guess I have images of animals hibernating in trees and caves or wherever the heck they go in the heart of winter. Perhaps I'm just trying to say that I would like to hibernate right now, and wake up in the Spring full of zest and a bounce in my step. Yes, that would be bloody nice. In the meantime, I've agreed to wake up at 7am tomorrow with an expected temperature of -8 degrees celsius in time for a cycling fundraiser for cancer research....stationary bike mind you, and only for an hour per person. AND, I've raised not one buck. I'll probably end up giving a few of me own. Boring! I'd rather be tucked up in bed "meditating".

Source: http://shomers.files.wordpress.com

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 15

2010-01-29T21:35:00.002-05:00

I've been having "stuck" thoughts a lot this week. In the brain injury rehab place I used to work at, we called it "fly paper syndrome" and it is bloody exasperating. Meditation did help, because I could look at the thoughts, see how silly they were, and sort of let them float away. But, the problem is, when you're a crazy Gemini like me, they come floating back in again with annoying frequency. Not only was I obsessing about silly work bullshit, but also about my favorite hat going missing. Yes, indeedy, my "Changeling" winter hat which is from Germany and is the warmest hat in my possession just disappeared into thin air. Pop! So as I meditated, that bloody hat kept creeping in. I'm beginning to wonder if this meditation is really going to create a calmer me, or whether it will instead turn me into an even more extreme truck driver version of myself. I have been known to wake up many mornings sounding like Hugh Grant in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" but uh, it hasn't really let up much since meditation. Though I have noticed a conscious awareness of the need to be less negative in the morning. Also, when I was really pissy at a person at work, I didn't bitch about it straight away. I waited 24 hours. They are improvements aren't they?

Talking about meditation is getting harder and harder I've noticed. It's starting to feel like I'm on the factory line talking about canning fruit. It was never meant to be inspirational, but I think I hoped for more of a buzz from all this. Hmmm....here's hoping.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 14

2010-01-28T23:02:00.002-05:00

Rushed home today. Due to dinner plans, I figured I'd try to sneak in my meditation for the day post-work, pre-fun. It may or may not have been a good idea. It was hard to focus, perhaps because the arrogant tool at work who was an arse to me just over a year ago continues to be an arse, and well, it's hard to shake that kind of bad imagery out of my head. Arses are arses. They stink! There has been a lot of toxicity in my world lately, not only at home, but obviously a little at work as well. Nothing is really that terrible (for some reason, in my head, I pronounced it with a French accent to perhaps emphasize that it's all kind of spurious and odd). I guess life is getting a little bit complicated in my head right now as I begin to go through some curious changes as a result of having my Green Card now. Choices can be paralyzing whilst at the same time exhausting. I know not what to do! Meditation seems to help to keep it all in perspective. As Mr. Phil says, the thoughts are impermanent. They don't tend to stick around for long. I guess if I were to reflect on meditation over the last 2 weeks now, the thoughts have really varied from one day to the next. They do float around and they don't necessarily stick. I remember my brother sort of laughed at me in front of fellow travellers when I told them I was going to a meditation retreat after our trip to Peru. I think he believes it's all hippy nonsense and just about relaxation. He has no idea how un-relaxing it can all be! It can be calming, sure. But, the brain is completely active! I do want this toxicity in my life to fuck off. I really do. But, like everything, it's probably just an impermanent situation, much like a beautiful Buddhist sand mandala that gets destroyed almost immediately after its creation. Hopefully all will be hunky dory by next week :)

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 13

2010-01-27T22:18:00.004-05:00

Oooer...Day "13", lucky for some. Certainly, there was a greater calmness in my meditation today. It helped that things were resolved on the home front and I also had a hearty dinner with beloved girlfriends this evening, down at Bianca's in the Village. The last time I was at Bianca's, incidentally, I had one glass of wine too many (i.e., one glass) and was found by the owner outside the bathroom door slumped against the wall after having fainted from dizziness/

nausea/allergic reaction/whatever the f*** you want to call it. My friends in the meantime were told by the wait staff that their friend was on the floor by the bathroom, the one with the dark brown hair and uh brown eyes (circling around the much easier but for some reason less PC "Asian" label methinks), to which my friends replied, "no, that doesn't sound like her." Well, it was me thank you very much, and this time, I didn't drink wine, and I didn't collapse. Point is, I made it home in one piece, and came home to a more balanced and gentle energy (perhaps assisted by the sage cleansing after all). The air was cleared so-to-speak. So, meditation was piss easy today. Though I'm beginning to think that maybe it's supposed to be hard during difficult days and that's it's purpose.

Interestingly, I'm enjoying Mr. Phil more and more. Today, he talked about Mindfulness of the Body. It is a topic I've been wanting to talk about since Day 1 of the WFFTS. When I've sat on pillows in a cross-legged position, I inevitably lose sensation in my feet at some point or other, and have to vigorously shake the foot out, change positions, move to a kneeling position (at which point my knees start to throb), change positions again, and so on and so forth. Then yesterday, whilst I was in the thick of roommate angst hell, my right shoulder blade started aching something fierce. Of course, I kept rolling that shoulder, changed positions, etc etc. Today, Mr. Phil talked about observing those bodily sensations. He explained how people generally want to move away from pain, and he encouraged the meditator to just observe it, see how it changes or doesn't change, then refocus on the breath. In some ways, this is analogous to life. Pema Chodron often talks about the importance, in life, of "leaning into the pain" and to become friends with it. So, today during the session, I actually sat with the pain in my shoulder, and noticed it get a little worse, but then sort of peter away. It kept returning, but never got worse than its original intensity, and I found myself able to bear it quite admirably if I say so myself! Then I noticed the pins and needles in my right foot (that more often than not brings to mind catastrophic images of gangrenous feet caused by loss of blood circulation) and quietly watched it, then returned to my breath. Miraculously, the numbness just sort of waxed and waned, and never got worse. For the first time since beginning the WFFTS, I was able to sit through the entire meditation sesh without changing my sitting position at all! And my feet managed to survive the ordeal remarkably.

More than anything, today's session has encouraged me to think more about the kind of pain I'm avoiding in my life and that I need to begin approaching. What the hell could that be I wonder?

Oh by the way, the ipad was launched today, so I thought this cartoon was apropro...

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 12

2010-01-26T23:35:00.002-05:00

Irritations at home have blown up a bit today, so meditation was yet again, shite. Can't seem to find balance in the home these days and there isn't much that meditation can do to resolve issues unless communication is to be had. Gah! And gah again! Anyway, Mr. Phil's dulcet tones were quite useful today. He began to delve into the basic tenets of insight meditation, allowing one to begin to observe the nature of the thoughts that pop into one's head. Unfortunately, because of the imbalance at home this evening (that was not, incidentally, remedied by a thorough house cleaning and sage cleansing), the thoughts tended to revolve around one significant unresolved issue, and really, until it's all sorted out, I can't even really get back into a "normal" mode of meditation. What a bugger!

I don't believe Mercury is retrograde, but it is certainly feeling like it right now. Why isn't anything going right at the moment?

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 11

2010-01-26T23:26:00.002-05:00

I'm writing this 1 day post-mortem, I mean...1 day post-meditation. I felt like shit yesterday to put it lightly, and it only got worse today (more about that in my next posting). I meditated in a rush with Steph here in my apt, as we wanted to head out to a Haiti benefit show at the City Winery. I'd had a crap day at work with all sorts of bullshit delays with administrative nonsense, i.e., stuff that I shouldn't be giving a rats arsehole about. But nevertheless, I was irritated all freakin' day. The meditation was a drag...it felt like 40 hours rather than 40 minutes. But, I have to admit that my almost obsessive thoughts about nothing important did settle, and I didn't carry the weight of crap work shite to the concert. Wow...I must say this meditation exercise is turning me into a peace-loving hippy non?

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 10

2010-01-24T23:41:00.003-05:00

Due to going to yoga earlier in the day, I did a slightly shortened meditation sesh this evening. I'd had a 2 hour nap earlier in the day and added to that the yoga earlier in the day, I'd just spent too much time today in a state of stupor. Surprisingly though, I fell into the meditative state pretty quickly. I was surprised it lasted as long as it did at 33 minutes! All this practice must be doing something. Even my legs aren't getting pins and needles so often. The thoughts that did pop up were mostly related to the documentary I had just watched on the telly. The documentary was called "This Emotional Life." Well, I guess it *should* have been interesting to me. I am a shrink after all. I have to admit, it did start to drag in the second hour though. By that stage I was thinking, "I got it I got it!" The 2 main points were that the key to happiness is in the strength of our relationships with others (friends, families, and partners), but also that we do have some choice about the thoughts that we have that can contribute to happiness - a basic tenet of cognitive psychology. At about the 1 hour mark though, my interest began to wane. After all, these are ideas that are not necessarily new to me. I've been reading and in some ways "preaching" or rather imparting (hehe) these ideas to others for many years through my work. But then at the 1 hour 20 mark, they began to talk about the benefits of meditation. Ah ha! Yes, apparently research has shown, through what I imagine to be fMRI research or perhaps PET scans on Buddhist monks, that during meditation, the left prefrontal cortex of the brain is highly activated. This area of the brain has been found in previous research to be associated with happiness, contentment, compassion, and other positive emotions. Another interesting fact highlighted by the documentary was that happiness is contagious. Studies have shown that networks of connections with people who are happy, even at 3 degrees of separation, can improve one's chances of happiness. "Imagine that!" as Rhys Darby would say. Interesting indeed. But, is *that* why I'm undertaking this 40 day famine...uh...I mean feast??

Source: http://www.news.wisc.edu

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 9

2010-01-24T00:05:00.018-05:00

Yoga day means a shorter meditation sesh and a bit of "light" spiritual reading :P I found today a bit difficult. This may seem surprising to some who perhaps know me less well, but I fiond weekends rather challenging at times. I'm pretty sure I have a melancholy streak that runs through my veins. It may be genetic, and it probably accounts for my dry sense of humor and frequent onslaughts of sarcasm. You know, the best and driest comedians are often the worst depressives. Not that I'm a comedian or nuthin' but uh, just a thought. So getting back to the ol' weekends...although I tend to rather viciously attack "planners" as being a bit boring and unimaginative, I find it rather difficult to deal with the "gaps" in those free day(s). It kind of parallels the difficulty that I think many people, including myself, have in dealing with the gaps between thoughts in meditation. I would say that for many years now, I have gotten increasingly anxious as the weekend approaches, for fear that I will have nothing to do, or no one to spend time with. I guess the anxiety is worse for me now that I'm single. But, as time has gone on and spiritual pursuits have increased, I've encouraged myself to allow the "gaps" to just be there. As happened yesterday and today, I had no plans whatsoever. But before my work day was out, a friend spontaneously asked to meet for coffee down in the East village. And then, because she had to go to work a couple of hours later, I ambled across to my favorite diner, B & H Dairy. I immediately sat down at the counter. To any observer, I probably looked like a reincarnated old Yiddish man as I clapped my hands together in delight, and dug into my favorite borscht soup and challah bread, looking happy as a clam.

Source: cheapassfood.com

But, within 5 minutes of my arrival, my solo retreat into the food was pleasantly interrupted by a text from a dear friend who said, "I'm in the East Village. Are you around?" My friend was literally 1 block away from me, and able to meet me for dinner, and hang out for the rest of the evening!

Then, after yoga today, I was contemplating what things I could do solo with my afternoon. I considered reading at a cafe or perhaps even going for a bike ride, when all-of-a-sudden, I received an invitation to go to the planetarium at the Museum of Natural History - something I'd never done before!

Now obviously, it wouldn't have been such a terrible thing for me to have sat alone longer at B & H eating my soup, or to have spent this afternoon on my own, but I did notice how have that space in my weekend gave me the opportunity to have experiences that I would not have otherwise had. Pema Chodron talks about "filling up spaces" with activity as a way of just running away from insecurity. And the running away from such insecurity tends to just increase the discomfort. Perhaps I was still doing that today, and even yesterday, but certainly, the intention to relax into the discomfort was there from the beginning. And, to be honest, that first 5 minutes at B & H on the diner stool wasn't too bad.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 8

2010-01-22T22:46:00.006-05:00

Ah....post-lunch meditation. Yeah, *that's* a bright idea. I dined at home with my mate Steph who's also doing WFFTS with me. I ate my favorite deli meal of cajun blackened salmon with mashed potatoes and roast peppers and green beans, with green tea chaser. All very important things! I thrust on (ooerr!) Insight Meditation Day 3 with Mr. Phil narrating. Sat on the couch with a proper erect meditation posture, and promptly nodded off every few minutes. I finally sort of "woke up" about mid-way through. I *did* find Mr. Phil's method of concentrating very useful. He suggests the technique of counting each breath up to 10, then counting back to 1, as a way of keeping focus. I was able to do that, but my eyes kept blurring in and out as I tried to stay awake. I was also concerned about us getting back to work on time, so I kept grabbing my eyeglasses to awkwardly peer through one of the lenses to check the time as I was anxious that the online recording would time out, leaving us meditating there till kingdom come! Despite all of the distractions, I did have a few revelations during the meditation that have led to more optimism about my career future, partly triggered by a reconnection with an old boss of mine from about 8 years ago that happened today. I'm finding it so interesting to see how each day of meditation has been so different from the next, and how much the evolving themes of my life vary from moment-to-moment, driving my "thoughts du jour." Makes me almost look forward to tomorrow's meditation sesh. Almost.

Source: cajungrocer.com

Again, not the *actual* salmon I ate today, but looks pretty similar

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 7

2010-01-21T22:31:00.009-05:00

Have you ever had the experience of such discomfort that you just wanted to crawl out of your skin? That was me today. I felt like I was in an MRI machine, stuck inside an enclosed space, jitters in the stomach, tightness in the throat. I went to yoga earlier in the evening, and felt completely beaten up by it all. Perhaps it didn't help to have eaten butterscotch pecan cookies half an hour before class. I know from prior experience that Cookies + Yoga = Chunder (or at least a wish to). So why do I keep doing it? *Sigh* Anyways, back to the meditation. I decided to try my hand at 40 minutes of meditation after dinner. At the end of yoga, we usually do at least 5 minutes of Savasana which is a drowsy kind of state to be in, so I thought I would segway into meditation upon my return home. After leftover Chinese food and Indian butter chicken, I went to my bed and tried to meditate on my pillows as I have done previously. But, then thoughts started to whirl around in my head, mostly with respect to my career.* Then physical discomfort set in, mostly in the stomach area as I mentioned earlier, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I lasted 20 minutes and I was lucky to make it even to that. So, I realized that perhaps 1 hour of yoga + 40 minutes of meditation is way too much. I immediately stopped and grabbed Pema Chodron's book "The Places that Scare You" and started reading. The first chapter focuses on The Excellence of Bodhichitta. I was immediately struck by the resonance of one paragraph where she writes:

"The central question of a warrior's training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear but how we relate to discomfort."

And later she says "...we can ask ourselves this question: 'Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?'"

Indeed!

I looked up Wikipedia for information about the chakra in the stomach region and discovered that it's called Manipura. They cite The Chakra Bible by Patricia Mercier, who apparently says the following about Manipura:

Key issues governed by Manipura are issues of personal power, fear, anxiety, opinion-formation, introversion, and transition from simple or base emotions to complex. Physically, Manipura governs digestion, mentally it governs personal power, emotionally it governs expansiveness, and spiritually, all matters of growth.

Eek! I guess I should apply for that job then eh? Just to see how it goes.

* I guess to clarify, a friend at work sent me a posting to a job opportunity that sort of fits with my interests. It would be a salary drop, but would potentially help me move in a career direction that I may want to go in. However, I'm super-scared, because I don't know that it's really quite right for me. I don't know that I can really *do* the kind of hard academic work that it would entail in the long run.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 6

2010-01-20T21:57:00.006-05:00

Source: http://stanford.wellsphere.com

Before I came home for my usual WFFTS sesh, I went and had a massage at my usual joint "Graceful Services" (painful services more like it), and then dinner with a mate. It's a nice regular thing we have going that gives us permission to expend large-ish amounts of mullah ostensibly so we can catch up afterwards over dinner. My masseur for the evening was a Chinese guy who jumped on the plinth and climbed all over me in order to grind his elbow into my back. He frequently was noted to be breathing rather loudly, a fact that I found mildly disturbing at first, until I quickly realized he was merely demonstrating the inhalations and exhalations that I should have been engaging in as he worked my body over. After annihilating the knots in my body - knots created by multiple international flights over the last few months, daily office grinding, and bad nights of sleep - I found my evening's meditation sesh surprisingly serene! I decided to give good ol' Anam Thubten a second shot. I listened to Day 2 of his Tibetan Buddhist Meditation series on the WFFTS website, and as I did with the Insight Meditation guru, I seem to have gotten over his peculiarities. I even managed to ignore his mispronunciation of the oft-spoken word "relaxed" (which he pronounces "relak-sid"). Hurrah! The only thing that *did* distract me in his recording was when he talked about the intention "this is it" as a description of the true self or higher consciousness. When he said that, all I could think of was Michael Jackson. *Sigh* But, in general, the thoughts that had rather consumed my mind over the last few days began to dissipate in intensity. In the same way that massage clears the body of toxicities, I felt as if today's meditation sesh seemed to clear my mind of emotional toxicities also. Yippee!

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 5

2010-01-19T22:09:00.011-05:00

The last few days of meditation (i.e., pretty much all of them) have been a hard slog. A bit nasty. Maybe that's not the right word. Nasty kind of sounds like a bad (or good) hip hop video. Really, what I needed was a break from the emotional intensity of the last few days. For the last 3 days, I've been meditating in my bedroom, and the last 2 days, upon my bed aka my sacred space. Energy is everything in zesty world, and so I headed down to the Shambhala center for that much needed break. Pema Chodron is affiliated with the Shambhala center. I've been there a few times over the past year or so, and found it to be relatively friendly and open. I always appreciate places that allow people to pay for dharma talks by koha rather than a set amount. The dharma talks at the Shambhala center typically consist of 30 minutes of meditation, then just over an hour of lecture and Q & A about a particular topic.

Meditating with a packed house of other meditators is pretty amazing. Not only is it easier to meditate with the reinforcement of a community of others, but it's just plain fun - I guess in the same way line dancing can also be fun. (Not that I line dance very often, if at all, but the hustle, is pretty damned cool when everyone knows the moves. I'm not talking Achey Breaky Heart!) But yeah, everyone's doing the same thing! I noticed my thoughts were much less intense and negative. In fact, they fluctuated between silly conversations and flirtations, to trivial work stuff. Also, there were many more "gaps" between thoughts than there had been in the last few days.

Tonight, the dharma talk was entitled "overcoming doubt" and during the talk, we were encouraged to exchange a story with another attendee about a significant, powerful emotional experience in life when we felt perhaps open, joyful, fearful, or whatever. I spoke with my neighbor about my experience in Vietnam volunteering in the mid-90s. There was one moment when I was trudging through the mud in a fabulous looking blue plastic poncho (you know the ones that look like a big plastic bag with a hole cut out of it for the head) to a remote village to deliver supplies when I stopped to get a photo with some kids. All-of-a-sudden, about a dozen kids came running out of nowhere to be in my photo too. So there I was, surrounded by happy, smiling kids, completely enjoying their amazing brilliant energy and liveliness. Money schmoney. Those kids had NOTHING, but were so freakin' cool and positive. I guess the main idea I took away from the lecture and the stories was the fact that doubt is a construction in our heads borne out of habit. It is like the "saboteur" or "naysayer" who is bloody annoying! Those kids in Vietnam, they didn't seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders like good ol' privileged money bags me. I had indeed made the naysayer a part of my life, and he didn't need to be there. (Heh...funny how I label the naysayer a dude).

Source: www.beifan.com

This is not the photo I'm referring to, but reminds me so much of the photo I did take (without me in it of course).

I think the success of today's meditation has convinced me that mixing things up with the meditation will be a good thing. I do intend to do yoga this week as well, but as I'm on a roll with the meditation, I may combine yoga nights with a shorter burst of meditation as well.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 4

2010-01-18T22:05:00.005-05:00

I couldn't seem to get into the WFFTS website today, so instead meditated without a recording. It was actually quite a relief to settle back into my familiar style of meditation. As it happens, having the full 40 minutes to just meditate gave me the space to really suck up all the shit that has happened over the last few days. "Grief" became the buzzword of my meditation. Oh joy. Yes, indeedy, lots of stuff started whirring around in my head, and this insane sort of sense of heaviness entered the practice. My roommate appeared today healthy and fine, and I realized that one of the reasons why I had been so plagued by worry with her disappearance, is that in the past, I have had the experience of finding out about friends who had died after a period of non-communication. Yeah, you wanted light. This ain't the place for light. At least not today. Boo. Anyways, "grief". All sorts of grief came up. Grief over relationships. Grief over the loss of youth. Wow. That pretty much sucked. But, I did notice a decidedly lighter throat chakra (i.e., feeling less choked up), and the manifestation of brighter color in my visual fields, even though my eyes were open. Hmm...interesting.

Good Grief, Charlie Brown by Charles Schultz

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 3

2010-01-18T02:03:00.007-05:00

After spending most of last night panicking and crying about the disappearance of my very flakey roommate (she has been away from home for 3 days without any word from her and I even went so far as calling the cops at 4am to see how to report a missing person), I found myself unable to even contemplating meditation practice till now, 1.30am the next morning. I thought my meditation practice would be a write-off, but instead, it was incredibly interesting, perhaps *because* of what happened last night. A friend of mine downunder discussed with me the concept of control through communication or lack thereof, and the importance Pema Chodron places on creating healthy boundaries with others, but not barriers. Early in the meditation session, I found myself almost choked up. Not necessarily choked up with tears, but I certainly had a feeling of mild suffocation. If one considers parts of the body as related to chakras, the "stuck" part of me this evening was in the throat chakra, the area of my body linked to creativity and my ability to communicate honestly. I noticed the thoughts that floated into my head revolved around my roommate's complete lack of communication with me that resulted in my panic last night. They also revolved around other individuals in my life who I find frustrating in their lack of communication. Although the "goal" of meditation is to focus on the breath, I recognized through the tightness in my throat the need to somehow process these thoughts, acknowledge them, and then let them go. I was able to do that though it was a bit of a hard slog to get there, much like climbing a mountain with skis on. But, once I got to the top, looked back at what I'd just done, I was then able to ski my way down the hill. In other words, the meditation suddenly became easier! Before I knew it, Mr. Phil had rung his funny little bell 3 times, and I was done! I guess I'm learning that the process of meditation is not just about the acceptance and letting go of individual thoughts, but also the addressing of the overarching theme of the thoughts. Being able to accept with kindness those little "obsessions" heh... may also be important before they can truly be let go. Hmm...a bit deep for this time of night. Maybe Day 4 will be a bit lighter. Here's hoping!

This picture depicts the throat chakra and I believe, was lifted from healing.about.com.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 2

2010-01-16T18:20:00.006-05:00

I found yesterday's Tibetan Buddhist Meditation recording a little bit odd, so thought I'd sample a bit of Insight Meditation as narrated by Mr. Philip L. Jones. As much as I want to feel connected with a more "authentic" or "ancient" tradition like Tibetan Buddhism, I immediately found the Insight Meditation recording more accessible, and easier to digest than yesterday's enlightenment focused meal. However, I did notice my judgmental side kicking in within moments. I'd seen the profile of Mr. Jones on the WFFTS website, and saw "Mr. White Guy"'s profile photo, so when I heard his dulcet white guy tones, I immediately saw in my head, "Creepy Yoga Guy" or some guru version of Larry David. This was unfortunate, because I became distracted by the snickering in my head and struggled to take the poor dude seriously. I'm sure many people who've done yoga or some other spiritual pursuit have met creepy guru guy before. For some reason they always sport a pony tail or white hair. Why is that? My tendency to judge within 5 seconds reminded me of when I was at Pema Chodron's meditation retreat at the Omega Institute in upstate NY last November. The first 24 hours was silent retreat, and I discovered how liberating it was to be able to sit at any table at dinner time, and not have to talk to anyone. However, as soon as the 24 hours was up, I noticed myself judging every woman as one of those creepy butch dyke psychoanalytic hippy types, or every man as creepy guru guy. In other words, I was having a "Susan Boyle moment" of judging pretty much every moving object by its cover. Sad sad me.

Point is, today's meditation began on rather poor footing due to this attitude of mine, but I persevered with Mr. Jones, and found his dulcet tones actually dulcet and not comical after just a few minutes. Soon enough, I was deep in meditation, and found myself actually having more gaps between thoughts than yesterday. It probably helped that he encouraged the meditator to close their eyes. The open-eye technique is somewhat harder for me to apply, even though I believe it inherently transitions to everyday life much more easily.

As for my thoughts, they jumped around to familiar spots - my usual obsessions, thoughts about plans for the evening, that sort of thing. Nothing too dramatic. Behind closed eyes, colors proliferated, and my favorite color purple poked its head in. Purple is an incredibly spiritual color, and for me is the holy grail of colors to envision behind closed eyes. But, like most things I want in life, the more I want it, the less it appears. So, the challenge is to just let whatever may be, simply be.

Winter Feast for the Soul - Day 1

2010-01-15T16:09:00.003-05:00

Today was Day 1 of WFFTS. I had my friend Steph come over from work in the afternoon and lit a jasmine candle just for kicks. I pulled up one of the podcasts from the WFFTS website that looked appealing - Tibetan Buddhist Meditation by Anam Thubten. As I'm not a natural hippy, and have had to "get into it" later in life, I have to say I almost giggled as I heard his accent sputter out some of the words for this meditation, but suppressed the giggles to just smiles so I could take in what the dude was saying. His meditation method was to not focus on the past thoughts or future fantasies, and his belief is that enlightenment comes with increasing amounts of serenity and tranquility through meditation. I find this method a bit hard to buy, quite frankly. I think I prefer Pema Chodron's approach of observing the thoughts rather than ignoring them or not paying attention to the thoughts. Vocabulary is everything in the meditation world! Anam Thubten's talk went for about 10 minutes, and then he encouraged us to meditate for 30 to 40 minutes. We decided to set the alarm for 30 minutes as Steph had to go back to work. I found myself very uncomfortable in the cross-legged position, so I moved to the comfy sofa instead, kept my eyes open in Pema Chodron style, and meditated. Whenever I had thoughts or feelings come in to distract me, I labelled them "thinking" and returned my focus to my breathing, particularly the out breath. And, because I'm at the beginning of my meditation practice after a rather long siesta (of months), I found myself saying "thinking thinking thinking" pretty much non-stop. I have heard that over time, the "gaps" between thoughts increase with increased practice. I noticed my thoughts focused around matters of the heart and work, and the need to tell more people about this winter feast, but other than that, nothing too traumatic came up, which is a relief. *Phew* Let's hope more "serenity" comes my way over the next few weeks!!

Pre...Winter Feast for the Soul

2010-01-12T20:28:00.004-05:00

In preparation for Winter Feast for the Soul, hereafter called WFFTS, I checked out their webpage this morning and realized that it entails a full FORTY MINUTES of spiritual practice per day. This is not something I factored into my life equation at ALL. I was thinking 10 mins of meditation some mornings, and the rest of time, head to my yoga class. Being one who struggles with waking even 5 minutes earlier than absolutely necessary, this seemed almost impossible. But then, as I browsed through their website, I discovered a plethora of podcasts led by practitioners from different traditions, including ones entitled Insight (Mindfulness Meditation), Tibetan Buddhist Meditation, etc. - one for every single day of this 40 day endeavor! Pretty freakin' fabulous! Now, there is also a "Globally Synchronized Opening of the 2010 WFFTS" Ceremony. Sounds a bit Olympic Games if you ask me. Olympic games for hippies, of which I am absolutely NOT. I may be a bit strange and weird at times, and believe in some esoteric things, but I think candle lighting ceremonies via the internet sounds all a bit too hobbity, even for a proud kiwi like myself. Point is, I will be diving into these podcasts and hope they get me through the 40 days. Should this really be so hard? It's not like I'm writing a novel in a month, or is it?

Winter Feast for the Soul

2010-01-03T01:25:00.005-05:00

It's the day after New Years' Day. I'm back from adventures downunder. Got the ol' Green Card no worries. Yet, somehow, the subzero temperatures, the dark melancholy of winter, and the monotony of my job seem to dull the "euphoria" I should be feeling after such a major, positive, life changing event. I fear that I have a touch of post-holiday winter blues (i.e., playing online and real-life poker, listening to Sufjan Stevens, reading/watching The Reader, eating chocolate and cheezels...it's getting bad!) and am presently dreaming of warmer climes, and even fantasizing of a potential move out West where the weather is nicer, people are friendlier, bike lanes more abundant, and where "eco-friendly" is not just a buzz word. So, in order to feed the spirit so-to-speak, I'm going to engage in what is called the "Winter Feast for the Soul" to see if I can cure me'self of some of this self-indulgent harping on business. My intention is to do yoga and/or meditation everyday for the 40 days and blog about what it does to me Grizzled Dog Stylee.

Cartoon by Richard Kinsey.

Here is some info below about the event:

The mission of A Winter Feast for the Soul is to support individuals around the world in making a commitment to daily spiritual practice for forty days. A life grounded in daily practice is one that knows inner peace. It is that peace which translates into peace throughout our lives and ultimately to peace and healing for our planet. We know that it only takes a few committed individuals to change the world. We are here to do that. Please join us this coming winter for A Winter Feast for the Soul a 40-day worldwide spiritual practice period for people of all faiths everywhere.

January 15 – February 23, 2010 Our Vision We hold a vision of a world at peace that surpasses the imagined boundaries of creed, culture, and philosophical belief. We hold a vision for individuals to find a way to access their own inner peace through a daily practice of meditation and prayer. We hold a vision of a world where there is sufficient abundance to support all sentient beings. Our Goals To create an annual worldwide period of spiritual practice for people of all faiths to come together in prayer and meditation. To support people around the world in finding inner peace in their lives through the creation of a daily spiritual practice. To recognize that every person and every group is entitled to their own unique form of expression of these goals and is encouraged to practice them without discrimination. To work toward a global consciousness of peace. Who We Are A Winter Feast for the Soul is a non-profit organization operating under the auspices of Rising Tide International, a non-profit corporation located in Sarasota Florida . Our organization was originally formed in Sun Valley Idaho in partnership with the Light on the Mountains Spiritual Center in order to create the first Winter Feast which took place January 15 - February 23, 2008. Based on our experience with the first Feast, we have created a separate organization and expanded our outreach to a worldwide level. The impulse for our work is one that came out of the stillness of a daily meditation practice. We support one another in maintaining that practice as a source of strength, wisdom and compassion.

So come one come all! Join me as I embark on this little journey and let me know if you do. It'd be rad to have mates along for the ride :)

99 Things - A Meme for Me

2009-12-30T22:54:00.007-05:00

My dear friend Nettles just posted this meme on her site. It's an easy end of year bloggy thing to do so here goes..99 things!

Things you've already done: bold
Things you want (or might want) to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to - leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band. (Have jammed though).
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world (I like rollercoasters and crap American food).
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped (into an Olympic sized swimming pool mind you...)
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art/craft from scratch (knitting and sewing)
15. Adopted a child (Not a wish to be taken lightly of course...but something to consider given how overpopulated the world is).
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Let someone else take the credit.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train (from Spain to France, and then came down with a terrible

flu due to overpowering airconditioning)

21. Had a pillow fight (and wondered why all the feathers didn't come out like on TV).
22. Hitch hiked (only in Japan...I've been too scared to do it anywhere else).
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse (so, I experienced one, but wasn't allowed to look up. I had to use some cutout cardboard thing to see the "shadow" of it. But I didn't see nuthin').

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise (depends on the definition of a cruise. I've been on small boat "cruises" in China,Vietnam and elsewhere. But if you're talking "Love Boat" stylee, then nope).

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (hmmm...depends on what level of proficiency one is looking for here. I taught myself some Japanese to a basic conversational level and learned ein bissen German).

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David in person.
41. Sung Karaoke (too many times to count *ahem*)
42. Rode a camel.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
44. Been on an African safari.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance (on the Autobahn no less!)
47. Done something illegal.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling (snorkelled with dolphins!)
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie (sang scat like a Black woman to cheesy Kenny Gee sax solo on

the radio in one scene)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (I guess the "Young Enterprise" business that I co-ran with fellow high school students selling tacky plastic suitcases for Economics class doesn't count).
58. Taken a martial arts class (Wing Tsun baby!)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching (not technically, but I did spot a whale being watched by whale watchers on my way back to shore from the dolphin trip!)

63. Received flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood (like Nettles I have attempted to many a time, but they never let me!)
65. Gone sky diving (but have parapunted which was scary enough methinks!)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a cheque.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Kept a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Been on TV.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London (to be honest, I can't remember. I'm a bit bored by that sort of

thing.)

77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (just fish mind you....)
88. Listened to Tibetan monks chanting, in person.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Went skinny-dipping (wasn't this one listed before?)
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.

Thanksgiving hoo haa

2009-11-27T10:16:00.006-05:00

Perhaps the weirdest holiday of the year in the US is good ol' Thanksgiving - celebrating the day when the Native Americans were super-nice to the Pilgrims and then were subsequently slaughtered (culturally and physically) in manifold ways for land. Ah...lovely history indeed. I remember back in 1997 mentioning this hypocrisy to my old boss and she shot me down with a glare and said "it has become something quite different these days. It's about being thankful for all that we have!!" Being new to the US, and on a fragile student visa, I never raised the topic again. In fact, I avoided it at all costs! Over the years, I was always invited to Thanksgiving dinners at various people's houses, and I continued to avoid any serious topics of discussion, instead enjoying the trashy food that came with the holiday (bearing in mind that "trashy" in zesty world actually means YUMMY!) This year was no exception.

From left going clockwise: Green bean casserole (canned green beans mixed with Campbell's mushroom soup, covered with dried/fried onions, then baked until brown); blob of cranberry sauce, succulent turkey that had actually been grilled on the BBQ; stuffing made with herbs, poached sausage meat and croutons; sweet potatoes roasted and then topped with marshmallows

Pretty disgusting stuff, but my taste buds, as always, lapped that shit up like a crackhead on a rock, falling swiftly into a kind of glassy-eyed stupor in front of my hosts (gay couple), their 2 year old daughter, their 83 year old mother, a 60-something year old cousin, and a Catholic nun. I managed to scrape myself off one of their beautiful dining chairs leaving at a decent hour in order to take the train home for an evening of teenage fantasy in the form of "Twilight" (speaking of which...it's aiiight).

My good kiwi friend in NY reminded me recently of how a parallel historical event in NZ is typically "celebrated". We have a day in NZ called Waitangi Day, which is the day in which the Treaty of Waitangi was signed between Maori leaders and representatives of the Crown. According to Wikipedia, it:

"...recognised Māori ownership of their lands and other properties, and gave Māori the rights of British subjects."

Unfortunately, the Maori and English versions were not back-translated well, and there has never been consensus on the document. However, it continues to be a legal document and is used often, by the Maori community, to show that the Crown never lived up to their side of the bargain. Hence, although it is considered to be the Founding document of our country, it is also considered to be a contentious document with conflicting interpretations. Combine *that* with the kiwi love of a good scathing fight with anyone in authority, and what you have, on Waitangi Day, is a rather interesting day indeed. Waitangi Day, a day that celebrates New Zealand's founding document is also a day when eggs are often thrown at officials. Politicians, including The Prime Minister, and representatives of the Crown, are not immune to the egg's charms. Even the Queen herself has been known to have good ol' kiwi yolk juice staining her garb. As my kiwi mate reflected with almost a feeling of nostalgia, "It's not Waitangi Day without a bit of egg throwing." And so, such outbursts or protests are, in my mind, a reminder of the complexities of history and the importance of not forgetting the continued struggles in and between different communities. "Wherefore art thou egg in America?" I wonder.

Updates...Peru...and future plans

2009-11-21T14:28:00.024-05:00

Well, this has been a rather event-filled year to say the least. I feel like an annual review, even though I'm not quite at the end of the year. I can, at least, report the shizzle that's suffused my life with confusion up until now. There are years when things are pretty clear-cut (i.e., forgettable) such as years when I was doing my PhD and not much else. Then there are the years when a lot has happened, and I can't seem to make head nor tail of what it all means. I know I sound so bloody girly when I say that. Women (or at least many of the women I'm so fortunate to be acquainted with) love to make meaning of their experiences, to turn the seemingly superficial into the sublime. I frequently turn to the esoteric to enhance my experience of life, or perhaps as a panacea for the challenges. This is all really a backdrop for this year, which has been quite a rollercoaster one indeed.

I began the year trying to finish a rather arduous chapter (literally, a chapter for a book) on Suicide and Medical Illness. I also discovered my inner redneck by going to the Nevada desert (via the amazing Bonneville Salt Flats) with my now ex-bf and his friends, and camped far from civilization without a water supply or electricity. Whilst on that trip, I shot a 306 rifle into a can in 1 shot, met a rugged Vietnam vet who couldn't stop talking, played a million games of solitaire, cooked in a Dutch oven (which I had always assumed was some kind of sex toy...dunno why), talked very little with my traveling companions (which was altogether very odd indeed, especially for a Gemini who thrives on conversation).

The aridness of the conversation and the environment was perhaps some kind of forewarning of the death of a rather arid relationship that ended....kaput(!)...within 2 days of returning to NY and within 1 day of a friend's wedding. Go figure. Luckily, my Gemini spirit kicked into full swing....I went a little loca for a couple of months, biked like a mother f***er (around Manhattan, across to New Jersey and back, to Governor's Island, to Brooklyn), hung out with fabulous friends (old and new) from NY and out-of-town, napped in Central Park at lunchtimes, ate out almost everyday, and went to gajillion gigs for alternately grief and inspiration and found my feet pretty damned quickly. Yay!! I guess the lesson learned is that practice makes perfect, and the same goes for breakups....teehee! It *does* get easier as one gets older. Also, the camping trip was not a total waste of time. I did learn that I'm pretty good at living under a tent for days at a time. I kind of dig the outdoors more than I thought!

As usually happens when I'm a bit on the downcast side, I also decided to go on a trip. Peru is a place I've always wanted to go, Machu Picchu being a spiritual mecca for me, so a tentative plan was made in my head to backpack on my own around the country and find my way to Machu Picchu in my usual random way. I hate to admit it, but the beautiful image of Gael Garcia Bernal (and Che Guevara as well I guess :P) at Machu Picchu influenced my decision to go as well. As luck would have it, my brother heard about this crazy plan and asked to tag along. Soon, my random backpacking jaunt became an organized tour of all the major sites, including the Inca trail, Machu Picchu, Lake Titikaka, Nazca and Lima. At first, I was hesitant about this plan, but decided that it would be a good sibling bonding experience that might never happen again. Before I knew it, it was October, and I was winging my way to Lima to meet my brother for this crazy trip. Within days, I was reminded of a couple of things about me and my brother that I had forgotten about after years of living apart - 1) he is my exact opposite in every way, 2) I am and will always be treated like family which is quite different from being treated as a friend. Without delving into too much detail, but in order to clarify what I mean, I can say that I am very much the spiritual, freedom-loving, live-in-the-moment type of person, whereas my brother is the black-and-white, practical-minded, check-off-the-boxes type of person. Furthermore, my family has, perhaps due to me being the youngest in the family, somehow put me in the less competent, less mature, less responsible box (despite the fact that I've actually lived in 3 different countries and continents and somehow managed to muddle my way through a PhD and multiple work visas in the US without really any trouble). What was interesting about this trip was the discovery of how difficult it was to reconcile all of those differences, AND to see that despite taking on the role, in my family, of being that incompetent loose unit, I was perceived by my entire tour group as the more responsible, serious and organized one!! Yay!! (Interestingly, I was also perceived by our pothead artist tour leader as the naughty one and my brother the straight one even though I rarely talked about my personal life). Needless to say, there were odd moments of confusion regarding where the hell the genetic link was between me and my brother, but it really didn't take long for us to find a groove and to find a way to enjoy being with each other. Really the solution was to find different paths. For example, we frequently spent time on our own or talking with others in the group; and at Machu Picchu site itself, he climbed Huana Pichu mountain aka the "new" mountain (only 400 can climb it a day, so it's kind of a circus to get to) whereas I climbed Machu Picchu mountain aka the "old" mountain which was desolate and quiet.

Whilst in Peru, I also found out via email that I would need to go home to NZ for Xmas. My Green Card interview is scheduled for December. After 12 years of wanting one, it looks like permanent residency is finally going to become a reality for me!!! I'm still not counting my chickens, but I'm crossing my fingers and toes in anticipation. I've spent my entire time in the US making excuses for *not* being able to write that book or get that prestigious job, because I always had visa restrictions, but now I will have no excuse for being a lazy bum who likes to work very little and sleep in the park at lunchtimes. I may actually have to kick my own butt and do what I've always wanted to do. Now, I just have to figure out what that is exactly. Starbucks barista maybe? Can someone help me out here?

My visit to NZ will also signal a major time of reflection as I face a large number of old high school friends who are wanting to get together when I'm there. My inner geek still struggles with memories of high school, and at times, I still believe that I really am *that* dork from high school....as opposed to *this* dork who I'm actually used to and kind of dig these days. Heh. Good times!

In all, this year has been freakin' crazy and it has been difficult trying to make sense of it all. I attended a meditation retreat in pursuit of that elusive "meaning" soon after I got back from Peru. Workshops were led by Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, at the amazing Omega Institute in Rhinebeck NY and I was completely blown away by her humor and candor and all-round awesomeness. I'm not sure I quite gained a sense of what the hell my life means, but I sure felt much more chilled afterwards and more accepting of my crazy life (which really isn't so much crazy as dynamic and varied which I guess ain't so bad really is it?) So there you have it. Zesty update for the ages eh?

Oh what the hey!

2009-08-30T00:14:00.007-04:00

Breakups are a bitch! I hate blogging when I'm bummed. I realize that blogging involves much posting of pics and much talk about fun stuff done, and all that. But, sometimes I just want to trash talk about whateva and not give a hoohaa about vocab, posting of pics, etc. So I'm just going to go with this and see where it takes me. I'm pretty sure I have a readership of 2, so I guess I'm just recording shizzle for posterity and to just let it all hang out really.

I've been a bit out-of-sorts for various reasons this last week, e.g., falling off my BMX in Central Park on Sunday and grazing my arm and bruising my knee. Superstitious folks in my network blame it on the fact that I cracked my precious jade bangle recently (which to Chinese people is bad bad bad). I went to the doc a week later, as the graze was looking narly, and feeling had not returned to my knee. I found out that I may or may not get feeling back in my knee, but I was comforted to hear that "you don't really need much sensation in the knee anyway." Choice! In addition to all that, and perhaps as a result of the recent breakup and the accident, I've engaged in a few dubious activities this week as a result of poor judgment. I shall write them off as life lessons. There ya go!

Silly stuff :

- A mate of mine saw Peter Jackson driving with his young teen son in the car next to him. Then a few minutes later, a friend texted this mate of mine and said, "hey, did you see Tom Cruise in the car with PJ earlier?"

- I was on a bus to New Jersey for a work meeting. As I stepped on the bus, I asked the driver how much the ticket was, and he just kept vacantly looking at me, until I asked a second time. He answered with, "did you attend British schools?" I said that I'm from New Zealand, and he was all in ecstatics about that. I asked him to tell me when I reached my destination. After about 30 mins of dozing on the bus, the driver suddenly turned around and started yelling something. But, I couldn't hear wtf he was saying. After a few repetitions, I realized that he was yelling, "New Zealand! New Zealand!!! NEW ZEALAND!!!!" I jumped up as he was trying to let me know that it was my stop. I started chatting with him by the front door as he pulled over and he started waxing lyrical about Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blancs from New Zealand, before dissing a poor Muslim woman about to get on the bus by saying to me, "ewww, I hate it when she gets on the bus. She smells. She has hygiene issues." Eeek!

- So what school do you go to? (May not sound so hilarious, but I'm dealing with this rather embarrassing issue right now of people thinking that I'm right out of high school, when I could be attending my 20th high school reunion if we had one).

- My Spanish teacher asking me why I was weird in class at first (it was quite soon post breakup) and wondered whether I was just "shy," which is probably the last word people would use to describe me. Anyway, despite revealing to me that she had actually wondered, "How on earth am I going to teach this girl?" because of my shittiness, she has since emailed me and wants to take me for a beer.

- Why do spellcheckers highlight "shittiness" as a word that needs to be corrected?

- The only thing I've been dreading about my upcoming trip to Peru with my brother, is the prospect of sharing a tent with him, and dealing with his deadly gas attacks that I almost succumbed to during our childhood.

- Kentish Town Paint and Panel

Fun movies seen in the last few weeks:

- District 9 was bloody awesome. I cringed a bit at the Nigerians being depicted as cannibalistic voodoo-like gangs, but other than that, I learned that prawns rule! I became so obsessed with this film in the first week after seeing it, that I was horrified to see a ridiculously bad review online by a woman who walked out in the first half hour. However, I did note that she enjoyed gardening, drinking raspberry tea, and baking. I do likey the cookies and wonder if that's how she got the gig.

- Julie and Julia made me want to eat butter and lots of it. Incidentally, I went to Meryl Streep's son's (Henry Wolfe's) gig last night at Joe's pub and spotted Ms. Streep herself. I asked the abominable and embarrassing question, "may I have a photo with you?" in a squeaky yet polite Kiwi accent, but it wasn't posh enough for her, clearly, as she said "I'm not working tonight!" I realized she stole my line. When peeps ask at parties if they can tell me their problems, I use exactly the same line! Well, that or "you couldn't afford me" which I guess is a line I could apply to many other situations too. Hmmmm...

- Funny People - now I know it's gotten shit reviews, but I love Judd Apatow, and I love his regular cast of characters. I thought Eric Bana was hilarious and Leslie Mann trying to do an Aussie accent was priceless. He makes me want to go see The Castle again. Soon after, I unfortunately found myself watching the Time Traveler's Wife, which was abysmally bad bad bad. The only redeeming feature was Eric Bana's hotness.

Films recommended to me:

- "He's Not That Into You" - but why??

- "500 Days of Summer"

- "Somersault" - An Aussie movie starring Abbie Cornish

What is everyone saying to me???

Music I've been listening to:

- I may be late in the game with this one, but I've been obsessed for weeks with the Red Hot compilation called "Dark is the Night". Absolute gems by the Dirty Projectors, Bon Iver, Antony, Feist, and Iron & Wine amongst others.

- I listen to Pandora a helluva lot at work. For months and months I have enjoyed the Ruby Suns radio station with a nice mix of indie rock folky "ballads" I guess, with the odd kiwiana thrown in there courtesy of Phoenix Foundation.

- I've just thrown on some reggae again after a long hiatus, perhaps spurred on by my recent attendance at a reggae dance party and the knowledge that my dear friend Grace, who had been lucky enough to know Bob Marley, died a year ago. Bring on Studio One!

Book I'm reading:

- The Master and the Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov

Books recommended to me and next on my list:

- That old "classic" from the early 90s "The Celestine Prophecies" just because coincidences seem to feature quite hugely in my life these days

- Nelson Mandela's autobiography

- Twilight (so that I know what the kids are rabbiting on about)

- A book about Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Things I've been bummed about:

- The breakup

- The end of Summer

- Rain

- Lack of ambition at work

Things that are awesome:

- Old friends

- Yoga

- Naps in Central Park

- Good food

- Meditation

- Movies

- Esoteria

- Live music

- Cycling

- The prospect of a Green Card in 2010!!!

So, taking the yin with the yang means that things aren't all that bad surely.

Pre-camp jitteriness

2009-05-28T13:37:00.006-04:00

This time tomorrow, I will be firmly ensconced somewhere in the deserts of Nevada, perhaps en route from Salt Lake City, maybe near the Bonneville Salt Flats, but definitely nowhere near my urban oasis that I call "home". Unfortunately, stray comments from friends (particularly on facebook), supposedly meant to root me on, have instead taken an insidious hold on my rather paranoid imagination leading me on wild internet witch hunts resulting in...

this

this...

and this....

I am reminded of docwitch's frequent allusions to Red Riding Hood in her fabulous blog, but somehow, her words don't quite put me at ease.... especially since m'lovely says that they shoot guns on a daily basis (into the sky) to ward off any potential predators, and that the camera they have hoisted upon a tree frequently reveals nocturnal portraits of wild animals in perhaps a little too much detail for my liking. Given that the only barrier between me and the wild will be tent fabric, I hope you can understand my concern.

But in typical Gemini fashion, I tend to dive in feet first, without thought...so here goes!

As cold as it gets...

2009-05-20T00:01:00.014-04:00

Winter = long, cold, and nasty. Much of it was spent indoors muddling over a chapter on Suicide and Medical illness in my off-work hours (not exactly the greatest season to be muddling over anything to do with death and suffering methinks yet strangely consistent with the Northern Hemisphere winter experience which is one of forlorn-looking trees and hibernation) and staving off flu-like strains that were making the rounds at work (though followed by Spring's comic relief as we all noted the uncanny resemblance of said symptoms to swine flu!) Unfortunately, I am one of those cursed beings plagued with a touch of the winter blues on a yearly basis. Yet strangely funny since I was once interviewed for NZ newspapers and national radio about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Pretty much my only claim to fame, and it was less than 15 minutes. But, in the midst of all that, I managed to capture some moments in NY that kept my spirits up in spite of the winter darkness and eased what is typically a trying time for me.

My view from my apartment is definitely one of the things that kept me vitalized. This is the view from my room facing East towards Central Park. The green sign on the pole points to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. So despite being ensconced in my Upper East Side enclave, there is fun to be had, and only a few short steps away!The brightness of snow turns to sepia tone by night. The following pic was taken in Bushwick aka East Williamsburg where m'lovely lives. This is the little church right by his building. There is a far more impressive one right across the street, but this quaint little hall cheers my little heart.Indoor events always make winter in NY more bearable. Here is an image from an art show we went to on one of the piers by the Hudson. This video show was being played in a tugboat by the main floating exhibition hall.Chinese New Year is special to me, not just because I happen to be one of thems Chinese folks, but also because it coincides with the birth (and death) of my dear father. So heading down to Chinatown for the new year's festivities and doing things that he would have loved (i.e., eating delicious Chinese food) is always high on the agenda at that time of year (though I do tend to honour him in that way pretty much 365 days of the year anyway!)Food in general warms the cockles of my heart pretty much any day of the year. M'lovely cooked up some fine ol' biscuits and gravy with the fattest, cheapest, nastiest sausage meat you ever saw. Trust me when I say his biscuits and gravy can't be beat! (spoken in a bad Southern drawl)Then of course there's the high falutin' shizzle that we scored at a friend's house that went down equally well.Finally, as strange as it sounds, I am actually a bit of an old-fashioned gal with a penchant for the romantic. So when m'lovely brought me flowers on Valentine's day, I was quite the gushy girl indeed (though not wholly unexpected given that Pride and Prejudice is probably my favorite novel of all time!) Ice skating in the park followed. Also romantic! Though, as usual, my attempt at romance was pretty much laughed off the stage as my fickle boyish Gemini personality took over and insisted on watching an episode of Sensing Murder on DVD that very evening. Ah, but at least that's one Val's day I'll never forget.
Winter is officially over and out. It was pretty much head down the whole time, and rather depressing work confusion for me. But despite Spring's erratic weather, and the feeling inside that there might not be an easy way out of my current career stagnation, my prayers to the benevolent Universe for a door to open have been honoured by the delivery of a pretty mind-blowing notification of something very important to me that I will talk about in due course. So what can I say? The seasons have lived up to their name. But for now, the yearning for Summer begins!

Enzed Redux

2009-05-18T22:38:00.012-04:00

It's been more than 3 months since my last post, and I figured now's the time to get back on track...and reconnect with my humble readers. Life has pretty much turned on its head since last I spoke, so it makes sense to rewind to November last year when I was in good ol' Aotearoa. I left Wellington in January 2008 in rather a mad flurry. One could describe it as an escape from a broken heart, but actually I think I was running away to save one! New York has always been the place where my soul feels most at home, and it is a place in which I flourish and grow the most. But my real home, Aotearoa is where I reconnect with a lot of pain. It is where my spirit breaks apart, but only by breaking apart can it heal itself again. Only then can I keep going. So, even though I was anticipating difficulty, going home was extremely refreshing and rejuvenating. Reconnecting with whanau was also a source of joy, perhaps more than ever. I think my photos capture some of that energy. I could get all hippy on ya and call it "rebirth" but that would just be hokey and weird. Then again, if it walks like a duck...

Anyway, taking each pic in turn...

Storm clouds brewing over the Wairarapa.

Clouds after the storm in Wellington.
Pretty flower by Breaker Bay.
Mum's shot of me boogie boarding in Lyall Bay.
Flying out of Auckland.
Heading back to NYC, passing over farmland near the Rocky Mountains.
The Rockies!
Glimmering Manhattan by Night!